- Okay. First fret. Relax, relax. First fret, third string. There you go.
- This finger goes there. That finger..
- I almost have it. If I only had one more finger.
- Alright. Give it a try. Let’s hear it.
- That was very good.
- That was very close to music.
- Not close enough.
- Kimmy, I swear, I’m gonna learn how to play this thing.
- Now, don’t forget, starting The Bracelets was my idea.
- That’s why it would be so tragic to have to replace you.
- Kimmy, do me a favor. Don’t help.
- Alright, let’s uh, let’s do the song “Venus”, alright? Let’s do the tune, okay? You start it. Go ahead, D.J., go ahead.
- Good. That’s good. That’s very good.
- Sing it, kid.
- Oh, lay it down, child. ♪ Is burnin’ like a silver flame ♪
- (Jesse) ‘Burn it down to the ground.’
- This side is so much easier to play.
- Um, let me try again.
- That was beautiful.
- ‘Look, I’m sorry to cut this short’ but tonight is Joey’s big night. Let’s go.
- D.J., maybe you should stay home tonight and practice. In fact, you may have to drop out of school.
- Kimmy, lighten up. It’s that kind of attitude that broke up The Go-Go’s.
- Alright, Danny, listen to this. I got a new bit.
- [imitates Ed Meese] Hello, Wilbur. I’m gonna visit all my friends in prison.
- Mr. Ed?
- Close. Mr. Ed Meese.
- Joey, you are gonna be hot tonight.
- It’s finally gonna happen, Danny. I can feel it. Tonight is my night.
- Oh, did I tell you there’s gonna be a talent scout there from HBO–
- Who’s looking for talented young comics for a big special.
- Yeah, you might have mentioned it once or twice or several hundred thousand times.
- Got the kid packed up.
- She can either spend the night over at grandma’s or six months in Europe.
- – Here. – Thank you.
- I’m sorry you’re gonna miss this, Michelle. Okay, give me a kiss for good luck.
- Alright. Well, this kills me but I think I’ll be supportive for a moment.
- Joseph, you’re a real funny guy
- and you’re gonna do great tonight. Time’s up.
- Well, thanks. I’ll be touched for a moment.
- Time’s up. Alright.
- Wish me luck, everybody.
- – Good luck! – Good luck!
- Tonight is my night. Yes!
- Well, we better get going too.
- No, no, no, no. We can’t go yet. My date hasn’t showed up yet. I’m so nervous.
- Good evening, Jess.
- Hello, dear.
- Sorry I kept you waiting.
- May I say you look quite lovely this evening?
- And may I say you look quite lovely yourself too, also?
- What are you lugging around a purse for?
- Because I have woman things I need on a date.
- Money for a phone call.. …keys to someplace.. …and of course, an orange.
- – ‘Shall we?’ – Let’s.
- – Thank you. – Thank you.
- – Thank you. – Ah, thank you.
- They do make a lovely couple.
- I’ll get the panda.
- The fire goes in the pan just like that..
- and then, voila!
- A duck! Ha ha!
- – This guy’s great. – Eh.
- And now the duck goes into the magic box right over here.
- No, no, no. It’s not a microwave.
- Th-thank you.
- Then..
- Now, that’s entertainment.
- What happened to the duck?
- Thank you very much! Goodnight!
- Let’s hear it for the amazing Ed Alonzo. Come on!
- We’re gonna be right back after a short break with our very own Joey Gladstone.
- This is every comic’s dream following a magician. The audience is dying to laugh.
- Don’t look now but the guy from HBO is sitting right behind you.
- My bodyguards.
- Joey, break a leg.
- Break a leg?
- Honey, that means good luck.
- Oh. Poke an eye out, Joey.
- That’s my date, huh?
- Thanks, guys.
- – Good luck. – Good luck.
- Alright, we’re back and it’s time for Mr. Fun. He’s wacky, he’s zany as a matter of fact
- we consider him part of the family.. …’cause he expects to get fed for free.
- Wait a minute. I know that laugh.
- Is Phyllis? Is that Phyllis Diller?
- Oh, I love you, Brucie.
- Why don’t you stand up and take a bow?
- I had no trouble getting up. I’ve had things lifted so many times I just rise automatically.
- Hey, you think we might be able to get her up here to tell a few jokes?
- I can’t. I can’t.
- No, you can’t, you can’t. This is my night.
- Please.
- Oh, what the heck. I hate to see a grown man beg.
- I take that back. I love it.
- Let’s hear it. Phyllis Diller!
- Well, number one, I should never have married Fang. I found that out at the wedding.
- He got down to the altar and asked for a blindfold and cigarette.
- Then he paid the organist 20 bucks to play “What Kind Of Fool Am I?”
- Then he tried to get my garter off over my head.
- And he did.
- ‘You wouldn’t have believed the engagement ring.’ He said it was a square-cut emerald. It was a Chiclet.
- So I told Fang, “I did not lose the bumper. It’s in the back seat.”
- I can’t believe I’ve been up here for an hour.
- Hour and a half.
- I’ve got to go. I’ve got dinner reservations. And my date is getting cold.
- You’ve been absolutely great.
- (Bruce) ‘Phyllis Diller! Come on! What a treat!’ ‘Phyllis Diller, ladies and gentlemen.’
- ‘No, no! Wait, wait! There’s plenty more laughs! I–‘
- Anyway, you guys know what ticks me off more than anything else in the world?
- Have you guys seen the stuff they’re giving away
- in cereal boxes? Jeez.
- Well, let’s hear it for our own Joey Gladstone!
- (Joey) ‘Thank you.’
- Thank you. Aren’t we lucky? Of all the nights out of the year Phyllis Diller picked tonight to be at this club.
- Hey, remember when you were younger how whenever your mom got mad at you she always had the final word?
- And she could always change any word she wanted into a verb.
- ‘So it was kind of like’ “Hey, mom, could I have a cookie?” “Oh, I’ll cookie you.”
- Thanks a lot. Hope your tractor starts.
- I see some people are here on dates tonight. Why is it that when someone gives your date a compliment you always take credit for it as if you had something to do with it?
- So it’s kinda like, uh “Hey, you know your girlfriend’s really a doll.” “Well, thanks, I made her at home with my chemistry set.”
- Wait, would you like to hear some impressions? Uh, some current events?
- Would you like to see my bridgework?
- Joey, are you down here?
- (Joey) ‘I’m here.’
- We were worried. We didn’t hear you come in last night.
- Good morning, all.
- Is that you inside that suit?
- Indeed it is.
- He’s been moussing.
- Joey, you’ve never moussed.
- Please, call me Joe. It’s more sophisticated, more grown-uppy.
- Uh, excuse me, Joe. Is there a punch line to this?
- Oh, there’s no punch line. You see, last night was a revelation. That big break is not coming.
- I am going to venture into the business world. I’m going to get a real job and make some real money.
- I’m starting a whole new way of life.
- But what about your comedy?
- D.J., there comes a point in your life where you just have to say to yourself “I tried and I failed.”
- I’m just glad I found this out now and not when I’m 46 years old. Whew!
- I am quitting comedy.
- Lee Iacocca?
- My man.
- Boy, I’m glad I took off work today. Otherwise, I would’ve missed a fascinating tour of every day care center in the northern bay area.
- I know, but once Joey finds a job
- we’re gonna lose a baby-sitter.
- We’ve got to find a great place for Michelle.
- We’ve narrowed it down to your favorite 803. Here.
- Okay, let’s switch.
- Okay. I liked this place.
- “Piggly Wiggly’s Fitness And Day-care Center specializing in toddlerobics.”
- Oh, look at this, a complimentary sweatband. Let’s see how she likes it. I’ll crank some music.
- Alright. Here we go, Michelle. Let’s try on a sweatband.
- Ooh, Arnold Schwarzen-baby.
- Okay. Alright. Here we go, Michelle. Let’s work it out. Work it out.
- Obviously you feel pretty secure about those chubby little legs of yours.
- Why don’t we just go with the center with the nicest people?
- – Good thinking. – Okay.
- Good afternoon, gentlemen.
- Afternoon, Joe. How’d it go today?
- Two more job offers. Bank teller and a stockbroker trainee.
- Great. Which one are you gonna take?
- Neither. The bank job, the bank was way up on this big hill.
- You’ve got to go all the way up the hill back down the hill. Not my style.
- Stockbroker job, they served me instant coffee. Enough said?
- Excuse me, Mr. Businessman, but do you realize you’ve been offered eight jobs and you found something wrong with all eight of them?
- Hey, I know what I’m doing. I don’t wanna rush into anything.
- I’m not gonna make the same mistake I did when I got into comedy.
- Hi, daddy. Hi, Uncle Jesse.
- Hello, Joe.
- Hello, Stephanie.
- Want to watch “Rocky and Bullwinkle”?
- No cartoons for me, Steph. I am going to read the Wall Street Journal.
- Cartoons. I’m a businessman.
- I miss the old Joey.
- So do I.
- He’s not happy about giving up comedy. That’s why he keeps turning down all those jobs.
- Joey’s really starting to worry me.
- Joey’s always worried me.
- Here we go, it goes like this. ♪ Do re mi fa so la ti do ♪ Try that.
- ♪ Do re mi fa ♪ ♪ No no wrong wrong ♪
- I stink!
- My hands are too small. My fingers cramp up. It’s just too hard.
- Yes, D.J., it is hard at first, but..
- How would you like to hear a story about a little boy?
- I have a feeling I’m gonna hear it no matter what I say.
- Once there was a little boy who heard an Elvis Presley record.
- The King.
- Wonderful story.
- It gets better. It gets better.
- This little boy, he was so inspired that he hopped on his bike he pedaled down to that pawnshop
- traded his bike in for a guitar.
- And that boy..
- …he sat in his room, he practiced day and night night and day.
- Where else could he go? He had no bike.
- Anyway, finally, one magical day
- the music surged through his body into his fingertips, and he could do this.
- And you know what? That little boy..
- …was me.
- Big surprise ending.
- So…what do you think?
- I think I’ll take the guitar down to the pawn shop and get myself a new bike.
- I’ll never be a Bracelet. I quit.
- D.J., you put The Bracelets together. You can’t quit.
- I tried and I failed. I’m just glad I figured this out now and not when I’m 46.
- Joey.
- Danny!
- What’s the matter?
- We’ve gotta come up with an idea to get Joey back into comedy.
- Alright. I like that attitude. What caused the sudden change of heart?
- Daniel, Joseph is our friend. He needs us.
- Besides, I hate that moussy hair of his. Come on.
- It’s nice of you guys to come down and watch me try out some new tunes this evening.
- Kind of strange being here at the old club. This place has barely changed.
- Joe, you were here three days ago.
- Well, welcome to amateur night.
- We got magicians, we got singers we got comics and by popular demand, no mimes.
- Let’s start things off with the music of Jesse Cochran. Let’s hear it! Go, Jess! Yeah!
- Thank you. Thanks very much, but, uh.. Actually, there’s been a change in plans. You see, this evening I’m going to begin my career as a stand-up comedian.
- Oh, he’s gotta be kidding.
- I’d like to start off with a fast impression. It goes like this..
- Uh, hello, Wilbur. Uh, let’s go down and visit some of my friends in prison.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Moose!
- That’s Mr. Ed Meese! He’s stealing my material.
- What do you care? You quit doing comedy.
- That’s right. I’m just a businessman enjoying the show.
- Why is it, you know, when you have, like a pretty date you know, and you say, “Hey, thank you, man. I got a chemistry set”?
- Hey, if you’re gonna steal my jokes steal them right, you yahoo bird.
- Do you realize you’re the first comic in history to heckle his own act?
- And what’s really strange is, you know you know how your mom, she can change any, uh
- Sorry, your mother, your mother. She can change anything into, like, an adjective
- uh, um, a pronoun..
- …a syllable.
- – A verb! – A verb!
- She can change, your mom, your mothers
- can change anything into a verb. It’s like, you know, it’s like, she comes, no, wait.
- I come, no, she comes home
- and she says to me– No, I ask her I say, “Hey, hey, mo-mother, hey, mother I say, “Hey, mom-mother
- “Can I, uh..
- You know, “hey, can I have a cookie?” and she says, “Ooh, you want some milk with that?”
- Then it’s, “I’ll cookie you!” You’re killing my jokes! This is comedy murder!
- Oh, what? You think you could do better?
- This napkin could do better.
- Be my guest, pal.
- Alright, fine. Ladies and gentlemen
- what he’s trying to say is that when your mom..
- I fell right into your little trap, didn’t I?
- Break your legs, buddy.
- Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy styling of Joseph Gladstone. Alright. Get out of here.
- Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
- See, what Jesse was talking about was, you know, moms and when you were younger. My mom used to, used to chase me around all the time
- but she didn’t really chase me with her legs. She kind of chased me with her arms. So it was two propellers coming at me all the time.
- It was like, “You get back here. You get back here.”
- I’m just going, “Mom, you’re gonna take off and I don’t think you have clearance from the tower.”
- I couldn’t outrun my dad. My dad would start chasing me. He would start pulling his belt. It like he was starting his hips.
- It was, Vrrrr! “You come back here.” [imitates engine] “You come back here.”
- Oh, gosh. Every time my dad pulled his belt, he ran faster. I thought for years, well, maybe my dad’s a riding lawn mower. I didn’t know.
- Hey, did you guys ever wake up first thing in the morning and you answer the phone and you sound just like Elmer Fudd?
- So you’re like, “Heh-woe.”
- And you never admit to the other person that you just woke up. We always lie, and it’s like, “Oh, no
- I’ve been up for hours and hours.”
- Then you go and you look in the mirror and you look like Elmer Fudd and you’re like “This is worse than I ever dreamed.”
- Thanks for all your help, guys. – Alright. – Yeah.
- That’s where you belong, up on stage bringing joy to total strangers.
- Yeah, you’re right. I just get so tired of waiting for that big break and the paycheck that goes with it.
- Take one of those jobs. Why do you think I work as an exterminator?
- You think I play rock ‘n’ roll music to support my bug-killing habit?
- You’re right, Jess. I’m gonna find something that I could do at home.
- That way, I could still watch the girls make a few bucks, and still do my act at night.
- Ah, tonight…ha-ha! Tonight was my night.
- Everything worked out great and we all lived happily ever after.
- Thank you and goodnight, guys.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, hold it. Whoa.
- Not so fast.
- You want a hug, don’t you?
- Not unless I’m choking on a chicken bone.
- No. It seems we have a problem with one of my little nieces.
- We do?
- Jesse told me when you quit comedy D.J. quit playing the guitar.
- She did?
- Apparently the kid looks up to you for some strange reason.
- She does?
- And you know what to do about it.
- I do?
- – You do. – You do.
- I do.
- You see? He did.
- Didn’t he?
- D.J.?
- D.J.
- Joey, this isn’t what it looks like.
- It looks like you’re watching David Letterman.
- Okay. It is what it looks like.
- What’s up?
- Well, Deej.. I just wanted to tell you what happened tonight.
- Should we go someplace else so we don’t wake Steph?
- Are you kidding? The kid slept through Johnny Carson.
- Not that I was watching it. Oh, no.
- Well, D.J., guess what? I got back up on stage tonight I did my stand-up, and I was great.
- But I thought you quit.
- Well, I did but I think I was just frustrated and looking for the easy way out.
- Oh, I get it. Jesse told you I quit the guitar and now you’re here to talk me out of it.
- So I guess I can skip the Tortoise and the Hare story?
- I’d appreciate it.
- I didn’t quit just because of you. I quit because I stink.
- D.J., how do you know you stink? You’ve only been playing a week.
- But if you keep practicing you might get really good at it. But if you quit now, you may never know.
- He’s right, D.J. Oops.
- What are you doing up?
- I’m not up. I’m talking in my sleep.
- D.J., one more thing. Giving up isn’t your style.
- You put The Bracelets together. I mean, you picked the name of the group.
- D.J., you get things done.
- ‘The D.J. I know wouldn’t give up’ just ‘cause it’s the easy way out.
- Goodnight, girls.
- Goodnight, Joe.
- Call me Joey.
- Really? You’re Joey again?
- [imitates Bullwinkle] That’s correct, my little friends.
- So nightie night night. Hmm.
- He’s back. Joey’s back.
- Very nice, D.J., very nice.
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