- Alright, hold her arms up, Joey.
- Okay. Reach for the sky, Michelle.
- I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist those cute little pits of yours.
- Alright, here we go. First, we start off with the chest.
- – Okay. – And it is 18 inches.
- – 18. – Okay, now we go to her tummy.
- Which is 18 inches.
- 18 inches? Michelle, you little butterball.
- And she’s self-basting.
- Alright, young lady, you better hope grandma’s not knitting anything with horizontal stripes.
- Alright, let’s get her hips here. – Okay. – Here we go.
- And 18.
- 18-18-18. Exact same measurements as her father.
- Alright, stand her up. I gotta get her inseam.
- – Okay. Okay. – Stand her up.
- Do something fun. Make this fun for her. – Okay. Okay. – Do some voices.
- Okay. What does a moo cow say? A moo cow says moo.
- Moo. – Moo. – Moo.
- And your dad lets these people take care of you?
- Hey, it’s hard to find good help.
- Say moo.
- Wanna come to the church bake sale?
- I can’t. I’m waiting for my cousin Steve. I haven’t seen him in 2 years.
- D.J., you gotta come. This year I made the three wise men out of strudel.
- Kimmy, Steve is like my big brother. We go ice skating. We mess around.
- We have so much fun. It’s like we’re not even related.
- What’s he look like?
- Well, looks aren’t everything.
- A real geek-burger, huh?
- Well, he does have glasses and braces and zits.
- But other than that, he’s really cute.
- Geek-burger with cheese.
- Hey, Steve, da-da da-dah means get in here.
- Sorry, that was my first da-da da-dah.
- Greetings from Baltimore.
- Steve?
- D.J., how you doin’, sport?
- Hi, Steve. What happened to your glasses?
- Oh, I got contacts.
- – Your braces? – Got ‘em off.
- Your face full of zits?
- They cleared up.
- Yeah, one night I went to bed looking like a nerd and woke up lookin’ like this.
- Isn’t nature great?
- The best.
- Kimmy! Do you realize you just slammed the door on my face?
- What door?
- Here, let me help you with that.
- Great. You’ll be staying in our beautiful, spacious alcove. Alright!
- D.J., can you believe your little Cousin Stevie is being offered a baseball scholarship from Stanford?
- I’m really proud of you. I can’t get over how you’ve shot up.
- Yeah, well, I give the credit to good food, plenty of exercise and all that sleep I got during class.
- He’s funny, too.
- I’m sorry. We haven’t met.
- I’m, uh…I’m, uh..
- You’re Kimmy Gibbler.
- How did she make it all the way to fifth grade?
- Jesse, Joey, where are you?
- – Hey, Steve-o! – Hey, Cousin Steve!
- Wait, let me guess. Uncle Danny has told me all about you guys.
- Now, you’ve got to be Jesse
- the great-lookin’ rock ‘n’ roller ‘who gets all the girls and spends hours on his hair.’
- And you must be Joey. The guy with all the funny voices.
- uh, Steve, that’s Joey and this is Jesse.
- [imitating Bullwinkle] But thanks anyway.
- And here’s someone else you haven’t met yet.
- Say hello to your new Cousin Michelle.
- Oh, hi. Hi, sport. Coochie-coochie-coo. Coochie-coo. Hello.
- What’s the matter, don’t you speak baby?
- Steve, I’ve got our whole weekend planned out. This afternoon we go ice skating, okay?
- Well, I don’t know, you know. I-I kind of felt like playing some basketball.
- Alright, b-ball!
- Alright, come on. Let’s shoot some hoops! I’m psyched!
- Let me go get my sweats on.
- Oh, D.J., wait, uh..
- D.J., somebody’s gotta stay here with Michelle and Stephanie. Would you mind?
- Alright.
- Oh, thanks. We’ll be back in an hour.
- (Jesse) Alright, let’s go. Let’s go. Let’s pass the ball. Let’s pass the ball.
- Jesse, I’m open.
- Eh, Danny.
- Danny, right here. I’m open.
- – Think fast, Steve. – Yup.
- Steve, drop pass. I’m open.
- Here you go, Jesse.
- – Alright. – Jesse. Right here. I’m open.
- Alright, Joey. Right here, Joey.
- – Joey. – Right here.
- – Got another ball? – Let’s go.
- This is gonna be great.
- Steve and I will eat lunch together. Then I’ll show him these pictures of us from thanksgiving two years ago.
- How long is Steve gonna be staying at your house?
- Uh, three or four days.
- Me, too.
- Okay, we got bologna, salami, and cheese peanut butter and grape jelly.
- Sounds good. I just hope you didn’t put them all into one sandwich.
- Here, look at this one.
- – Hi, Stevie! – Hi, guys. We made lunch.
- Hey, Laker-Celtics game’s on.
- Alright! Some more b-ball!
- (in unison) B-ball, b-ball, b-ball.
- (Danny) ‘Girls, watch the game with us.’
- Animals.
- Glad I saved this.
- Come on! Go!
- I really think the Lakers can repeat as world champions.
- If they do, they’d be the first team since Boston in ’69-’70.
- Hey, Steve, you like my jeans? They’re brand-new.
- Oh, yeah, great.
- You know, I think the Lakers have the best record since Portland back in ’78.
- Yeah, well, they should, they got everything. They got the speed, the power, the depth
- and most importantly, the Laker girls.
- What an awesome thing..
- …that just happened.
- You don’t have a clue, either, do you?
- Hey, does anybody else want another pickle?
- Oh, we’re out of pickles.
- I’ll get you some. If there are no pickles at my house I’ll take a cab to the market.
- – Bye, Stevie. – Okay, see you later, Kammy.
- That’s Kimmy.
- Hey, if it’s Kammy to him, it’s Kammy to me.
- Jesse, I’ll bet two bucks Magic steals the ball.
- No, no. Not the way bird’s been playing, buddy. You’re on.
- Magic steals the ball.
- Yes. Two founding fathers, please.
- Thank you.
- Joey, that’s incredible.
- I come from a long line of psychics.
- You mean psychos.
- Alright, give me a chance to win my money back here.
- Okay. I’m getting another vision here.
- I’ll bet you two more bucks that Cooper steals the ball passes off to Magic, who’ll lead a fast break down court
- end it with a slam dunk by worthy.
- You’re out of your gourd. Alright, you’re on.
- Look at this. Cooper steals the ball.
- Fast break. Magic to Scott to Magic. No, look. Pass to Worthy. Slam dunk!
- – Unbelievable. – That’s amazing.
- Sometimes I’m so good, I actually win money from myself.
- Boy, Joey, you didn’t know all this stuff when we watched this game this morning.
- Kids! What an imagination.
- One final wager.. Oh!
- I’ll bet that if you don’t give my money back you’re gonna die.
- And I was going to give you half.
- Oh, baby alert. I gotta go check on Michelle.
- You guys stay here and watch the game. I’ll take care of the kid.
- Oh, thanks.
- I’m sure you can take care of her. Considering you have no experience with an infant whatsoever.
- No problem.
- Help him.
- Hey, your Nephew Steve’s a great kid.
- Thanks for being so nice to him. Ever since his dad moved out he hasn’t had much of this guy stuff.
- Yup. Us guys gotta stick together.
- Bite.
- Hey, what’s the matter, Michelle?
- ‘Um, are you hungry?’
- Sleepy? Grumpy? Bashful? Dopey?
- Sneezy? Doc?
- Having fun?
- Oh, yeah. I always have fun here. Your dad is great.
- I’m real glad you’re back.
- Hey, is the little kid okay?
- (D.J.) ‘Uh, I think she needs a changing.’
- Uh, no, thank you. Be my guest.
- Oh, no. You’ll be fine. I just think you need a dry run at this.
- Well, I think we’re a little too late for that.
- No. I mean, practice on the monkey.
- Oh, right.
- Okay, put the diaper on.
- Steve, want to go ice skating tomorrow?
- Oh, I can’t. Your dad’s taking me to a Warriors game.
- Okay.
- Well, we can go tomorrow.
- And since we’ll be right there at the mall we can go to a movie and eat pizza
- and my friend Jennifer’s having a boy-girl party.
- Well, I’m gonna be pretty busy the whole time I’m here. I gotta look at some colleges
- and besides, I’m a little too old for that kind of stuff.
- Okay, so I tape right, tape left.
- Alright, this monkey is ready to party.
- Hi, Michelle.
- How’s everything goin’, Steve?
- Uh, well, I think this speaks for itself.
- Nice work. Cheetah looks happy.
- – Yeah. – Come on, you’re missin’ it. The Bullets are playing The Pistons.
- Alright! I gotta see this.
- D.J., you don’t have any plans for tomorrow afternoon, do you?
- Not anymore.
- Well, you do now because we’re all goin’ to the park. How does some touch football sound?
- Oh, great! Yeah!
- Then we can play some, uh, some soccer some basketball, volleyball, and tennis.
- And then we’ll play a rousing game of let’s rush Uncle Danny to the hospital.
- And, Steve, after the game, I’m gonna take you to the locker room and introduce you to the whole team.
- Oh, really? I’ve got to meet Ralph Sampson. The man is a building.
- The team is a city.
- Let’s have a little talk here.
- What do you think of your Cousin Steve?
- I know. He’s just a big jock.
- You should have known him two years ago. Back when he was my friend.
- He doesn’t care about me anymore. All he cares about is sports.
- Guess you’re just nothing around here unless you’re one of the guys.
- I really appreciate this.
- Tomorrow’s my first real game of touch football. And I don’t want to look stupid.
- Stop. You look stupid already.
- What’d I do?
- D.J., you don’t call it football.
- – You call it, football! – Football!
- Yes! That’s it. Alright, you got lesson number one.
- Now, lesson number two, the ever popular psych out.
- No words. Just sheer intensity.
- Observe.
- – It’s something like that. – Something like that.
- Alright, let’s show her a play, man. Let’s show her a play.
- – Alright. – Watch this. I do a down-and-out, fake to the flag buttonhook back, and I’ll hit you, okay? – Got it. – Here we go.
- You’re gonna love this. You ready? Hut! Hut! Hut! Go!
- (Jesse) ‘Alright. Watch this.’
- I’m reading the defense, right?
- I’m checking the pass rush. I’m checkin’, I’m checkin’ my receivers.
- I’m-I’m-I’m still checking my receivers.
- I’m checking my watch.
- Joey! Where are you?
- Sorry. I just stopped off for a quick bite in the secondary.
- – Hit me, I’m open! – Argh!
- – Touchdown! – Spike it!
- The football!
- Now, this is fun. How do you guys know all this?
- – Well, ‘cause we’re guys. – Yeah.
- You see, it’s in our blood. Guys are just born knowin’ how to play..
- (in unison) Football!
- Half that money’s mine, kid.
- Want another one of my sandwiches?
- Uh, no, thanks. Three’s enough.
- Speaking of basketball.
- Did you know that Wilt Chamberlain scored the most points ever in an NBA game?
- And Moses Malone joined the league right out of high school.
- And if the Bulls ever built their team around Michael Jordan, they’d be unstoppable.
- Enough talk. Let’s play football!
- Alright, we’ll pick teams. I’ll be a captain, because it’s my football.
- Alright, I’ll be a captain.
- Because your hair looks like a helmet.
- – Yes. – Watch Michelle. There you go. Let’s go. Let’s pick.
- Okay, the first person I’m gonna pick..
- – My man, Steve. – Yeah, alright, Uncle Danny.
- Alright, let me see the first person I’m gonna pick is..
- My man D.J.
- Yeah!
- I want you! I want you!
- Let me see.
- If I’m not on Steve’s team, I’ll die.
- Kimmy.
- Way to go, big Stevie.
- Okay, here we go. Uh, let’s see, I’ll pick..
- I need someone with good hands. I need someone with good hands.
- I’ll pick my man.. Michelle.
- Come on, Michelle. High five. High five.
- Can you believe he picked Michelle over me?
- Steph, please. I have my own problems.
- Okay, Steph. You can be on our team.
- – What? – Low five.
- Somebody please pick me before a stray dog shows up.
- Okay, we’ll take Joey but you guys gotta spot us a touchdown.
- – It’s only fair. – Enough messin’ around.
- Let’s play football!
- Alright, here we go. You guys remember, the end zones are that bench and this tree right here, okay?
- Let’s go, Joey. Let’s get this game underway. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.
- Gibbler, you’re dead meat.
- Here we go. Here we go. D.J., D.J!
- – Yes! – ‘Whoo!’
- Touchdown! Yeah! Whoo!
- (in unison) In your face!
- Don’t worry about it, big guy.
- You know, I’m worried about you.
- Told you you were dead meat, Gibbler.
- Steve, aren’t we having the best time?
- What are you looking at, chump!
- Nothin’, fool!
- Let’s get ‘em, Stevie.
- Don’t even think about it.
- – Okay, Steph. Here we go. – Here we go. Here we go.
- On three.
- Ohh! Got her!
- We almost fell for the old statue of Stephanie trick.
- Alright, alright, you girls have had your fun. Now, it’s time for us guys to play some real football. – Alright! – Alright!
- Hey! Just because we’re girls doesn’t mean we can’t play.
- Let’s just put the ball down and see what you guys are made of.
- Okay, Steph. Let’s go. – Alright, come on. – Here we go.
- – Ready, sweetie? – Last play.
- Okay, on two. Hut! Hut!
- I like three better.
- Oh, sorry. You’re right. My mistake.
- Okay, on three.
- Yes. Come on, Steph. Steve, go long.
- D.J., what are you doing?
- Playing football, man.
- This is touch football. What’s your problem?
- I got no problem. You got a problem?
- Yeah, that was a pass interference. Automatic first down.
- No way, you wimp!
- D.J., Steve’s right. You were way out of line. We’re not playing tackle here.
- Oh, sure, take Steve’s side. You guys are such buddies.
- Why don’t you just adopt him? That’s what you want, isn’t it?
- Great. Now I’m gonna start crying like a little girl.
- D.J.
- – Half time. – Yup.
- Shake it off, big fella.
- D.J., what’s with the “why don’t you adopt him” stuff?
- Oh, come on, dad. It’s pretty obvious.
- You’re taking Steve to ball games having fun, high fives all over the place.
- You know Steve’s dad moved out last year. Steve needs me right now.
- It’s real important for him to–
- I know. Hang out with the guys.
- What’s wrong with that?
- Nothing, unless you’re a girl. Dad, I want to spend time with him, too.
- We used to be such good friends. I don’t know what happened.
- I’ll tell you what’s happened.
- Steve’s grown up a lot in the past two years. He’s becoming a young man.
- D.J., I know you’re having a hard time with this. But that’s no reason to clean his clock.
- Fine, dad.
- I’ll go take Michelle and Stephanie and we’ll go play “Duck, Duck, Goose.”
- Who is it?
- (Steve) ‘It’s Steve. Can I come in?’
- Uh, yeah, I guess.
- You sure it’s safe?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, I, uh.. …didn’t want to make the wrong move and get creamed again.
- Well, you know, I’ve been here two days and this is first time I’ve ever been up to your room.
- You’re a busy guy.
- Yeah, well, my schedule kinda opened up and I was hoping that maybe I could talk to you.
- To me? You want to talk to little old me?
- Yeah. Look, D.J., I was-I was wondering why you clobbered me.
- ‘Cause I felt like it.
- Well, why did you feel like it?
- ‘Cause I did.
- Well, why did you?
- Because I was mad at you.
- I was really looking forward to you visiting and you didn’t even want to go ice skating.
- I thought we could do stuff like we did last time.
- I miss the old Steve.
- D.J., I’m still the same Steve.
- No, you’re not.
- The old Steve wouldn’t have taken this long to come up to my room.
- D.J., I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinkin’.
- Look, but I’m here now.
- D.J., I’m still your cousin and I still love you.
- So don’t you think we can try and be friends again?
- You seem so much older than me now.
- Well, I know, it may seem like a big difference now because-because I’m 17 and you’re 11.
- But, you know, when I’m 100 and you’re 94
- you’ll probably hardly even notice the difference.
- So..
- So..
- So, you want to start all over?
- Great idea. Alright, I’ll go outside and come right back in.
- Da-da-ta-da. Greetings from Baltimore.
- Hi, Steve. What happened to your braces, glasses and zits?
- Oh, um…all gone. Isn’t nature great?
- Hey, I got a great idea. What do you say we go ice skating?
- Nah, that’s for little kids.
- But if you really want to go..
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