- ♪ You better look before you leap boy ♪ ♪ Don’t be comin’ back for more ♪
- ♪ Listen to me baby ♪ ♪ It’s important that you try and understand ♪
- ♪ I am not a fighter ♪ ♪ I’m a lover I’ll do anything.. ♪♪
- Oh, like you never do this.
- Not like that.
- Check it out, D.J., I’m out of school tomorrow.
- Really?
- “Please excuse Kimmy from school.
- “Our family rabbit is having bunnies “and we want Kimmy to share the miracle.”
- Your mother wrote this?
- Nah! My parents are in Vegas. My big brother wrote it.
- It cost me 20 bucks but I got the money from his wallet.
- So, this means you can go to the Minimall and get Stacey Q’s autograph.
- (in unison) Stacey Q! She’s so rad!
- Hi. What are you doing? What are you talking about? Can I play?
- Hello?
- Steph, let me explain this one more time.
- Your world is down here. Our world is up here.
- Okay, now can I play?
- Girls, come on down and say goodbye!
- Okay, here’s a few phone numbers you might need while I’m down in LA.
- “Uh, pediatrician, grandma
- “police, fire department “the other grandma
- “uh, poison control, dentist.”
- You left off the White House and the Equalizer.
- Okay. Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s just that it’s my first night away from the girls overnight.
- (D.J.) Bye, dad! – Bye. – Bye. We’ll miss you!
- Aw, I’m going to miss my girls.
- I’ll miss you.
- I’ll miss you.
- I’ll miss you.
- I’ll miss you.
- Daddy, take it easy.
- You’re hugging other people’s kids.
- Sorry, Kimmy.
- Now, you all know that while I’m gone Uncle Jesse and Joey, they’re gonna be in charge.
- So, you’ll be on your best behavior, right?
- We won’t let you down, dad.
- Come on, girls. Time for bed.
- – Let’s go. – Let’s go, girls. (Jesse) Steph, let’s go, come on.
- Uncle Jesse, can I stay up 15 extra minutes?
- Absolutely not.
- Buh-bye, honey.
- Uh, dad, before you go you wouldn’t mind if I got an autograph of my favorite singer, Stacey Q, would ya?
- No. Not at all.
- Great! You’re the best dad.
- Just sign this note excusing me from school tomorrow and have a wonderful trip.
- Nice try, D.J.
- Oh, come on, dad. You just said I could have the autograph.
- I’d only be missing one day of school.
- I’m sorry.
- I’ll make it up. I’ll go to school on Christmas.
- D.J., we all have our jobs. My job is to go to LA and cover a surfing competition.
- Your job is to go to school.
- Kimmy gets to go. Why can’t I?
- Because you’re not Kimmy.
- I don’t know why Kimmy’s missing school but there’s a lot of things about Kimmy that I don’t understand.
- If I don’t get this autograph, I’ll die.
- D.J., no one has ever died from lack of autograph.
- I really got to go, now, come on give your father a big hug.
- Goodbye, father.
- Come here, daughter. Give your dad a hug.
- Have a good time. (Danny) ‘See you tomorrow afternoon.’
- Sorry, D.J.
- This isn’t over yet.
- ♪ Searchin’ for my woman I went to Carolina ♪
- ♪ I followed her to China ♪ ♪ And I still couldn’t find her ♪
- ♪ I heard she moved to Cleveland ♪ ♪ I got there she was leavin’ ♪
- ♪ I was odd she was even ♪ ♪ Boy did it snow.. ♪♪
- Ugh. God, that’s horrible.
- I loved it.
- Really? I could be wrong.
- I think you’re so talented.
- You’re charming, good-looking, funny. Great head of hair.
- Okay, what do you want?
- By the way, whatever it is, you got it.
- Can I interview you?
- I have an essay to do on the person I admire most. And, of course, I picked you.
- Well, yes.
- Yes. Sure.
- Okay. Here. Sit. Go. Be. Do.
- Well, it-it, uh, it all started about a 150 years ago with my great-great-grandfather Spiro.
- Uncle Jesse, let’s skip ahead to your life.
- I bet you were pretty wild as a little kid, huh?
- Oh! D.J., you might say I was a rebel munchkin.
- [chuckles] In fact, you know, my coloring book I used to color on the outside of the lines
- on purpose.
- Hmm. You were bad.
- You bet.
- I bet you got away with all kinds of stuff. You probably ditched school a lot, huh?
- Well, not a lot, but once in a while.
- Not that I’m proud of it but I was the best, not that I’m proud of that either.
- I remember this one time that I’m particularly not proud of.
- I was dying to see the Rolling Stones’ farewell concert.
- It was either their fifth or sixth. It was their sixth.
- Uh, get to the ditching part, please.
- Oh, sure, well, what happened was
- I just ran the basic sick scam.
- You know, I mean, uh, I-I said I had a fever
- and cold hands and red eyes
- and, of course, those 2 magical words.
- I’m sick.
- Wait, wait, wait, slow down, I can’t write that fast.
- Oh, I’m sorry. That’s I’m si-i-i-i-i-ck. Five I’s. I’m si.. There you go.
- Okay, uh, see, meantime I tell my mom, you know, I really want to go to school
- but she calls me in sick anyway.
- So then how’d you go to the concert?
- Here comes the genius of your Uncle J.
- What I did was ten minutes later I convinced my mom that I’m all better
- so she sends me to school.
- And since she already called the school..
- They weren’t expecting me.
- …and you were free to get the autograph
- I mean, go to the concert.
- Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
- Sure. Anyway, after the concert.. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- What is this? That’s-that’s the end of the interview?
- Oh. Uh, no. Uh, what’s your favorite color?
- Black.
- Thank you.
- Hundred and six. Hospital.
- Hundred and four. Doctor.
- Hundred and one. Out of school.
- What’s wrong?
- I’m si-i-i-i-i-ck.
- Poor baby.
- I’ll get Joey. You just need some peace and quiet.
- Joey, get in here! Get in here!
- What is it? What’s wrong?
- She’s si-i-i-i-i-ck.
- I’ll get you some juice, D.J.
- I wish I could get you Stacey Q’s autograph.
- D.J., you’re burning up.
- You have a fever. 101.
- A 101? Let me see.
- D.J., your hands feel like icicles.
- They do.
- But, Joey, I have to go to school today.
- There’s a big test on C-C-Canada.
- You want to go to school?
- You must be really sick.
- I’m calling school right now.
- I am so rad.
- Michelle, you’re doing a great job.
- Yeah. Tomorrow I’m going to show you how to vacuum.
- Hi, Joey.
- What are you doing out of bed?
- My hands are warm, my head’s cold. I can go to school.
- Freeze!
- Move it.
- I need to see your license, registration
- and forehead.
- You feel fine. How can that possibly be?
- It’s a miracle.
- No, the miracle would be is if I fell for this. I know exactly what’s going on.
- Oh, no. You do?
- What do you think, I’m an idiot?
- It’s pretty obvious to me, you felt so guilty
- about getting out of that test with that phony sick bit
- that you finally broke down and decided to go to school.
- That’s exactly right.
- Boy, I can’t fool you.
- No, you really can’t, Deej. ‘You’re a classy kid. I’m proud of you.’
- Uh, right. Well, I’m off to school to take that test.
- [chuckles] No speeding.
- Michelle, your daddy is gonna be very happy
- when he sees the way that I’m handling things.
- No, Michelle. I wash, you dry.
- We gotta to be cool.
- (in unison) She’s so rad!
- Thanks for coming down.
- You’re welcome, Ms. Q.
- Stacey. Who should I make these out to?
- I’m Kimmy. Two Ms, a “Y”, an “I”, and a “K”
- but not in that order.
- And you can make mine to D.J.
- the girl who’s like a sister to me who I’ll take to the Grammy Awards.
- Or just to D.J.
- Here you go, girls. See you soon.
- – She wants to be our friend. – Yes!
- – Look at this. – Oh, man.
- Oh! It’s Joey! Oh! Run! Hide, hide!
- What’s the matter? You want down?
- Don’t buy too many Chipmunk CDs.
- Go back to Joey. No. Go away! Shoo!
- Go get Benny. Take it to Joey.
- Go get Benny. Go pick up Benny. Take it to Joey.
- Good, good. Now, go take it to Joey.
- ‘He’s over there. Go, go.’
- ‘Take it to Joey.’
- I don’t believe it. I taught her this game.
- Come here, Michelle. Come here.
- Can you save my place? I got to get my baby. Huh.
- My little baby. [chuckles] It’s not really even my baby.
- You don’t care, do you?
- Go find Joey.
- You found Joey.
- D.J? What are you doing here?
- Getting busted. What are you doing here?
- I was so impressed with your honesty that I decided to came down here and get you an autograph.
- (Joey) ‘D.J., this is not cool.’
- I trusted you.
- Give me that autograph.
- Come on. Let’s go. We’re going home.
- This is so humiliating.
- You know, Michelle, it’s a shame kids have to grow up.
- Why can’t they stay like you, so sweet, so innocent?
- ‘So ladylike.’
- Joey, what’s the emergency?
- D.J. cut school to get Stacey Q’s autograph.
- I left work early for that?
- Joseph, do you realize I was this close to finally figuring out where that line of ants actually begins?
- How you doing, kid?
- She did more than cut school, Jess. She completely faked me out.
- You? No!
- Jesse, this plan was diabolical.
- She faked the flu. I called in sick for her. Then boom, she’s better. She takes off just like that.
- The conniving little sneak.
- Oh, Joey, she’s not a conniving little sneak.
- I gave her that plan.
- You what?
- Well, she was, uh, interviewing me for her essay on the person she admires most.
- There’s no essay.
- That conniving little sneak.
- Danny’s gone. We’re in charge. Now, what are we gonna to do?
- – Well, let’s think about this. – Hmm.
- See, when I was a kid and I got in trouble my dad showed me no mercy.
- In fact, he took so many privileges away that to this day when I go visit my parents I gotta go straight to my room, no TV, no dinner.
- Well, whenever I was bad my dad would sit me down
- talk about right and wrong and good and bad for hours and hours on and on
- until finally I beat the hell out of myself.
- The worst part, though, the worst part was when my dad gave me the dad face.
- You know, it was like like this.
- – That’s good. Let me try it. – Alright.
- No, no, no, Joey. That’s the I just ate bad chili face.
- You don’t have to do that. I feel bad enough.
- I’m really sorry. I totally blew it.
- I’ll never do anything like this again.
- Regardless…but Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady.
- Misconduct? Young lady?
- I really am turning into my father.
- If I start wearing a while belt and shoes to match throw me down the stairs, will you?
- I’d be honored.
- D.J., we’re going to have to punish you. So no TV for two weeks.
- What you call that punishment?
- No TV, no music for two weeks.
- Oh, yeah? I see your no TV and no music for two weeks
- and I raise you, no friends over for a month.
- I call.
- No TV, music and no friends over for a month. Are we agreed, young lady?
- Sure. I deserve to be punished.
- Dad trusted me and I let him down. I hate myself.
- Excuse us.
- Listen, man, I think the kid is sorry. I mean, she’s been punished
- I think when Danny comes back from LA maybe we shouldn’t tell him about this.
- Don’t you think he has a right to know exactly what happened?
- Yes, I do, but I don’t want him to think we can’t take care of the girls.
- You’re absolutely right. I forgot about that.
- He may never want to leave the house again.
- Alright, D.J. we’re not going to tell your dad what happened.
- Well, alright.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
- “The bunny and the ducky and the turtle and the frog “all rode home on a rainbow
- “and smiled for the rest of their lives.”
- I love this story.
- Cowabunga, dudes!
- Aw, I missed my little dudettes.
- Let me dudette again.
- LA claims another victim.
- [laughing] How did everything go here?
- – ‘Good.’ – Great. Yeah. It’s fine.
- Hi, daddy!
- D.J., you look so much better.
- You look so much better?
- Um…yeah. I got my hair done.
- You got gypped.
- I thought you were sick.
- Right. Sick of this hairstyle.
- Steph, walk with me. Talk with me.
- [clears throat] Listen, how ‘bout if we play a little game entitled let’s not talk about D.J., okay?
- Anybody want to play Let’s not talk about D.J?
- See? Now you’ve lost the game.
- Your punishment is that you have to go into the kitchen and, um, and cook us dinner.
- I don’t know how to cook.
- Polish the silver.
- Why are we not talking about D.J?
- Was D.J. sick this morning?
- Well, she was a little under the weather.
- But, uh, we got her right back up on her feet and shipped her right back off to school.
- Exactly, see, it was hardly worth mentioning
- so we didn’t mention it, everything is great.
- Oh. Well, good.
- D.J., since you missed school today your teacher asked me to give you your homework.
- Thank you so much.
- You’re welcome.
- (Joey) ‘Ooh, now, see, that’s a good dad face right there.’
- [sighs] Donna Jo?
- I tricked Uncle Jesse into teaching me how to fool Joey into thinking I was sick
- so I could cut school to get that autograph.
- But then Michelle busted me and Joey took me home..
- …on a leash.
- You liar! You made me a liar, too.
- I lied to Joey, to your teacher and everybody.
- I thought I knew you, but I don’t.
- I share my rinse cup with a stranger.
- Stephanie.
- I even made you a get-well card.
- Here. Get well.
- D.J., go wait for me upstairs.
- You know, Joey, I starting to feel a little hungry.
- – Yeah, me, too. – Guys, come back here.
- – Actually, I’m not that hungry. – No, me, either.
- I want to know everything that goes on in my daughters’ lives.
- Look, I don’t expect you to be perfect parents but I do expect you to be honest.
- I don’t know why, I don’t know why
- I don’t know why I’m wagging my finger at you like this.
- Look, I don’t want to lecture you guys. I’d be lost here without you.
- But did you have to lie to me?
- We just didn’t want you to think that we couldn’t handle things while you were gone.
- Yeah, see, we wanted you to know you could go away and everything would be cool with your kids.
- (Joey) ‘And if there’s ever a problem’ we should get it right out in the open.
- That’s right that we should work things out together as a family.
- In fact, Joey, say you’re sorry and mean it.
- I’m sorry. Now you say it.
- – Okay. I’m sorry. Okay? – Okay.
- Thanks for the talk.
- Steph, what are you doing?
- I’m making a get sick card.
- I said I was sorry.
- Uh-oh. Lecture time. See ya.
- Steph, I think you should stay.
- Why do I get a lecture? I didn’t do anything.
- But you will, so take accurate notes.
- D.J., come over here.
- Why did you do what you did today?
- Because I wanted that autograph more than anything.
- Do you know what the worst part is about what you did?
- That I cut school?
- No.
- That you tricked Stephanie?
- [sighs] That you were selfish. All you cared about was D.J.
- You did whatever you had to do to get D.J. what she wanted.
- Even if it meant lying and hurting other people.
- I don’t wanna be selfish and I don’t wanna hurt other people’s feelings.
- I know you don’t. I-I think you really care about other people.
- I’m really sorry, dad.
- Well, I know next time you’ll think things through a lot more carefully
- ‘cause you’re a lot better than what I saw today.
- Daddy, am I your favorite now?
- – Yes. – Hey!
- [laughing] No, no, no.
- No matter what happens I’m always gonna love all three of you exactly the same.
- Oh, alright.
- [chuckles] I wish Michelle was here. I like her the best.
- – H-hey! – Hey!
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