- Hi, boys and girls. My name is Stephanie Tanner.
- For show and tell today, I brought something cuddly cute, and adorable.
- May I present.. May I present..
- My little baby sister Michelle Tanner.
- Michelle is a baby. Her hobbies are drooling and babbling.
- Under here is her diaper
- which I’m not allowed to change but I’ve seen people do it, and it’s gross.
- Any questions?
- Yes, little girl?
- Does Michelle have a big sister who’s really cool?
- Yes, she does. Me.
- That was wonderful.
- Steph, if I had a gold star I would stick it right to your forehead.
- Jesse.
- Hi, guys.
- – Bye, guys. – Wait a minute.
- – Jess. – Hmm? For the past five days you’ve been sneaking in and out of house
- carrying that blue bag with not one word of explanation.
- Uncle Jesse, it’s driving me crazy.
- Just answer one question. Where do you go with that bag?
- – Out. – Out where?
- Outside. And that’s two questions. Goodbye.
- Hello.
- I love everyone.
- I love you and you and you and you and you.
- [imitating Joey] I love you and you and you.
- What’s the matter with you?
- Nothing. I got a call from my mom this morning.
- She found an old savings bond of mine in her safe deposit box
- and I now have 5,000 founding fathers.
- – Yes! – Alright! Great!
- Yeah! Presents for everybody. Danny, get Michelle.
- – Alright. – Okay. You’re first, my little toddlerette.
- Here you go! A little baby lawn mower.
- Oh, mow yourself silly.
- Now, if you’re real good next year you get the little baby weed whacker.
- Okay, D.J., you’re next.
- I’m afraid all I have for you is two brightly colored pieces of paper.
- Thanks.
- Oh, thanks! Oh, this is so rad! Springsteen tickets! Yeah–
- Hey, good seats. Need a date?
- Maybe. What’s in your bag?
- Nice try.
- Me next! Me next!
- Oh, well, I’m sorry, Stephanie but all I have for you
- is a brand-new bicycle!
- Joey, you really shouldn’t have.
- (Stephanie) ‘Yes, he should.’
- Thank you, thank you thank you.
- Oh, wait a minute, Steph. No riding in the house. – Thank you, thank you. – Hold on. Steph?
- – Thank you, thank you. – Come on, Steph. We’ll try it out in the back yard.
- I can’t stop! Open the door.
- Okay, guys, don’t go away. You got presents coming, too.
- Thank you. I’m through with that. Thanks.
- Dan, I, I hope Joey gets me a new motorcycle. That’s be cool, huh?
- I already know what Joey’s getting me.
- What’s that?
- Eight hundred dollars in cash.
- Whoa, nice chunk of change. Why?
- Well, 11 years ago, I loaned Joey eight hundred dollars to fix his car.
- But he hasn’t had the money to pay me back until now.
- Better get it fast.
- I don’t want Joey’s money.
- That fact that he is finally paying me back is such a beautiful and touching gesture.
- That’s why I’m going to give the $800 right back to him.
- Aw, that’s the most generous, stupid thing I’ve heard in my life.
- I don’t care what’s in the bag.
- No!
- I shouldn’t do it, should I, Michelle?
- What if..
- Look, Michelle..
- ‘…I’ve got a cookie.’
- Yeah, you want the cookie? They’re yummy.
- Want some cookie?
- Come get the yummy cookie.
- [gasps] Oops! The cookie accidentally jumped into the bag.
- Go find it!
- Unzip the bag, Michelle. Let’s see what’s in there.
- ‘Never mind the cookie. Get the zipper open.’
- ‘Let’s see what Uncle Jesse’s hiding in there.’
- ‘You found it!’
- May I help you?
- She did it.
- Shame on you, Michelle.
- Now you don’t want to grow up and be a nosy busybody, do you?
- Your punishment is to give me one kiss. Come on, one kiss.
- Thanks for trying, Michelle.
- Guys, ready for your presents?
- I’ve been ready for 11 years.
- Here you go. Jess and Danny.
- Thank you. Alright!
- A pass to the great American amusement park.
- A lifetime pass.
- Alright, Danny, open yours.
- Well, actually, I already kinda have a hunch what you got me.
- A lifetime pass to the great American amusement park?
- Hey, we can double.
- – See you, guys. – See you.
- Danny, wait till you see the pinball machine I bought.
- You bought a pinball machine?
- A genuine 1964 Gumby and Pokey pinball machine.
- And the beauty part about it I picked it up for a mere 1,275 bucks.
- Joey, this is why you’re always broke. Every time you have a nickel in your pocket you blow it.
- Hey, come on, lighten up.
- Joey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Have you ever considered doing something with your money besides just throwing it away?
- – Oh, like what? – Like what?
- Like putting it in a savings account or
- or, or, or buying a T-bill or paying off your old debts, or investing in precious–
- Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Back up. You said old debts.
- Danny, I don’t have any old debts. Be serious! Who’d be stupid enough to lend me money?
- Me.
- Oh, yeah. That’s a good one. When did I ever borrow money from you?
- Palm Springs. March 12, 1977.
- Your car blows up again.
- As usual, you’re broke. So I loan you my last $800.
- Oh, my God.
- Danny, I completely forgot.
- Why did you wait 11 years to say something?
- I was going to give it two more years.
- Danny, look. Here.
- Just take the money back, with interest.
- – Just take the whole ball. – I don’t want it.
- All I wanted was for you to offer to pay it back.
- Oh, sure, that’s why you brought up paying off my old debts.
- – Here. – Joey, I want you to invest it.
- I am, I’m investing it in getting you off my back.
- Off your back?
- – Yes. – I don’t want it.
- I don’t want it either.
- [imitating Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much, ladies and gentleman. You’re a beautiful audience. Thank you.
- – ‘Uncle Jesse.’ – Hold your horses, mama.
- I, uh, I mean, hold on.
- (Stephanie) ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’
- Hold on, please. Please, hold on.
- Come in.
- Want to come see me do my show and tell?
- Girls, I’m very busy. May I help you?
- Jesse, can I talk to you about–
- Jesse?
- Yes?
- What’s under your robe?
- Daniel, you’re entitled to know a lot of things about my life. But what a man has under his robe is his own business.
- Don’t be cruel.
- You’re right. What a man has under his robe is none of my business.
- Oh, this is so cool. I should have looked in that bag sooner.
- Alright. Sit down.
- I’m doing this tribute to the king. Show is called “Rock & Roll Heaven.”
- I’m trying to save up some money, I got some new songs. I wanna make some new demos. It’s only for a week.
- I’m doing it tonight and that’s the last night.
- Why didn’t you tell us?
- Well…I like to think of myself as having my own musical identity. You know? And..
- I don’t know. I just feel.. I’m up there, you know. I’m shaking, I’m wiggling.
- I got to see this show.
- – Me, too. – Let’s go!
- No, no, no, I don’t think it’s a good idea you guys coming down there.
- Jesse.. …we just want to go there to cheer you on.
- Don’t worry. I promise. Nobody’s gonna make fun of you.
- Hey, Danny, uh..
- ♪ Time rolls on ♪
- Now, don’t forget. We’re not gonna fight in front of the girls.
- I’m sure if I forget you’ll remind me. Eleven years later.
- Check it out, a Madonna lookalike.
- No, honey, that’s Marilyn Monroe.
- (D.J.) ‘Really?’ Boy, did she rip off Madonna.
- Thanks, Marilyn. Great stuff.
- And now, Rock & Roll Heaven presents..
- the king of rock ‘n’ roll!
- Thank you. Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. You’re a beautiful audience. Thank you.
- I’d like to start off with one of my biggest records.
- Thank you, sir. Thank you very much.
- Alright, hit it, fellas.
- ♪ Well since my baby left me ♪
- ♪ Well I found a new place to dwell ♪
- ♪ It’s down at the end of lonely street ♪ ♪ At heartbreak hotel yeah ♪
- ♪ I get so lonely baby ♪ ♪ I get so lonely ♪
- ♪ I get so lonely I could die ♪ ♪ Die ♪
- ♪ Because I love you too much ♪ ♪ We’re caught in a trap ♪
- ♪ I can’t walk out ♪
- ♪ Because my pants might rip off baby ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ We can’t go on together ♪ ♪ With suspicious minds ♪
- ♪ And we can’t build our dreams ♪ ♪ On suspicious minds ♪
- ♪ We’re caught in a.. ♪
- ♪ I can’t walk out ♪
- ♪ Because I love you too much ♪ ♪ Baby ♪♪
- ♪ Hush little baby ♪ ♪ Don’t you cry ♪
- ♪ You know your daddy ♪ ♪ Your daddy’s bound to die ♪
- ♪ But all ♪ ♪ All my trials lord ♪
- ♪ Will soon be over ♪♪
- ♪ Glory glory ♪ ♪ Hallelujah ♪
- ♪ His truth is ♪ ♪ Marching ♪ ♪ On ♪
- Oh, Jesse was great, wasn’t he?
- Girls, wasn’t your Uncle Jesse great?
- ♪ Since my baby left me ♪
- ♪ Well I found a new place to dwell ♪
- ♪ Down at the end of lonely street ♪ ♪ At heartbreak hotel ♪
- ♪ I get so lonely baby ♪ ♪ I get so lonely ♪
- ♪ I get so lonely I could die ♪♪
- [imitating Elvis] Thank you. Thank you very much. You’re a beautiful audience.
- Okay. It’s time for all Junior Elvi to say goodnight.
- (both) Thank you very much. You’re a beautiful audience. (both) Thank you very much. Thank you.
- Elvis has left the living room.
- Aren’t they cute?
- – They’re adorable. – Ah.
- Adorably cute. Take your money.
- – Will you stop it, Joey? – Take the money.
- Can’t believe you’re still doing this. Knock it off. I can’t believe you won’t take it.
- Hello, boys.
- Hi.
- – Hello. – Hello.
- Guys, I’d like you to meet, uh..
- I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your real name.
- Marilyn.
- There’s a coincidence for you.
- Marilyn, this is Larry, this is Moe ‘and the little one’s curly.’
- Get this, the show offered me the job as Elvis for as long as I want or until I..
- [imitating Elvis] Dislocate my hips.
- – Hey, congratulations. – Great.
- – Congratulations. – Thank you. Thanks.
- I don’t know what I’m going to do, though, guys.
- I mean, uh… tell me something, Marilyn. I mean, doesn’t it ever get to you, you know pretending to be Marilyn Monroe?
- Pretending? I am Marilyn Monroe, silly.
- – Yeah. – Fine.
- Sure. Yeah.
- Uh, if you’ll excuse us.. …Ms. Monroe.. …we have to put the baby to bed.
- By the way, I loved your work in “Some Like It Hot.”
- Guess they’re funny, huh?
- Will you stop bothering me? I am trying to make a sandwich.
- I need a knife.
- Knife, kn.. Ah! Knife.
- Joey, allow me to demonstrate how a mature adult constructs a sandwich.
- Okay. Go for it, Mr. Adult.
- First, my friend, we start with a clean knife.
- We take two slices of bread. On the left slice, mayonnaise. Hmm.
- And on the right slice, mustard.
- I’ll bet you get another knife.
- Have to.
- Another clean knife. And then the mustard we paint it on.
- Now it’s time for the ham and cheese
- and we alternate ham, cheese ‘ham, cheese.’
- So that in every bite we have an equal amount of ham and cheese.
- You don’t need therapy, do you?
- Is that supposed to be funny?
- I knew you’d say that.
- “I knew you’d say that?” What is that supposed to mean?
- It means that you are the most predictable person on the face of this earth.
- I know everything you’re gonna say even before you say it.
- – Oh, do you? – Oh, do you?
- See? You are so paint-by-the-numbers
- that, even if the slightest little thing falls out of place you can’t handle it.
- – That’s not true. – That’s not true.
- Well, let’s just see how true it is.
- Look at that crumb.
- ‘It’s driving you nuts, isn’t it?’
- Doesn’t bother me.
- Oh, no. Doesn’t bother you?
- But what if..
- There’s two crumbs!
- ‘They’re getting bigger and bigger and bigger.’
- ‘Don’t touch them. They’re alive!’
- This place is a pigsty.
- Oh, sure. Sure, make jokes.
- Because everything is a joke to you. Mr. Comedian.
- That’s right. You only go around once.
- You might as well get all the smiles in you can.
- Smiles are great. But you are almost 30-years-old and you still watch cartoons.
- It’s like living with Pee-Wee Herman.
- [imitates Pee-Wee] Well, sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.
- Joey!
- Take this.
- You are such a baby.
- I know you are, but what am I?
- Okay. Let’s settle this like we used to in the old days.
- – Arm wrestling. – Arm wrestling.
- See? I know everything you’re gonna say.
- Fine. Whoever loses has to keeps the $800.
- Sounds fair to me. Okay.
- – One, two three. – One, two three.
- I can’t even remember the last time we did this.
- June 22, 1979.
- Why do you remember all this stuff?
- I don’t want the money back. – Guys. – Stop it, I’ve had it with you. – Joey, I don’t want the money. – Guys..
- Guys! Fellas!
- There’s something a little more important than what you’re arguing about.
- Me.
- Fellas, I’m confused.
- I don’t know whether or not to take this Elvis gig or not. I mean…I think I should probably be concentrating on my own music, don’t you?
- I think you should take the job. You need the money for your demo tape.
- Jess, the only reason you should listen to him is if you lost a mitten when you were four.
- As for the job, hey, I saw you out there tonight. You were singing songs that you love just having a blast.
- That’s why you should do it. For fun.
- – He needs the money! – For fun.
- – For money! – For fun!
- – For money! – For fun and money.
- Thank you, guys. That’s good advice. I think I’m gonna take the job. Thanks.
- (both) You’re welcome.
- – Don’t say you’re welcome. – Don’t say you’re welcome.
- You know, I don’t know what I’d do without you guys.. …but I’m gonna look into it.
- You know, that was, uh, good advice you gave Jesse.
- Thanks. I, uh, thought yours was great, too.
- I think we really helped him.
- Well, yes. That’s ‘cause we make a great team.
- I guess that’s why we’ve stayed friends For 19 years.. …four months and three days.
- ‘Cause maybe I’m a little…square.
- And I’m a little goofy.
- You know what? Between the two of us.. …we make one hell of a guy.
- That makes sense, I mean..
- We’ve always been there for each other, I mean you were there when I needed that 800 bucks.
- And you were there when I needed to have somebody help me take care of my kids.
- I can never repay you for that.
- You never need to.
- Danny, look, a debt is a debt. I just want to clear ours up, so here. Please take the money.
- Okay. Thank you.
- But I’m buying you a savings bond and a closet organizer.
- – No, you’re not. – Yes, I am.
- – No, you’re not. – It’s my money now. – Make your bed. – No!
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