- our own mini Meryl Streep
- Miss Donna Jo Tanner!
- Beautiful.
- Thank you, thank you.
- What an afternoon of theater. D.J. as the beautiful princess in “The Frog Prince.”
- I laughed, I cried, I learned about life.
- I wish I wouldn’t have missed the ending. Michelle, why’d you have to start crying, huh?
- ‘Cause she was so moved by D.J.’s performance.. …or she had gas.
- D.J., do it again for Joey.
- Yeah. Could you please, Deej?
- I’d love to, but I need a frog.
- What, do I look like a frog?
- Just checking.
- – Okay, let’s do it. – Alright, get the chair.
- (Jesse) ‘You guys need a front row seat. Front row seat.’
- Okay, Jesse, get on the floor and try to act like a frog.
- How’s this?
- Ooh, I just want to dip your legs in garlic butter.
- Oh, frog, why does the world force us to meet in secret?
- Do not all of God’s creatures share the heart that feels pain, love joy and sorrow?
- If my true love is a frog then so be it.
- My princess!
- My prince!
- [hissing] Ooh, the girl is hot.
- This acting thing is so cool.
- Uh, hey, Daniel you’ve got a major talent here.
- You know people in show biz. Why don’t you make some calls? Maybe she could audition for, like a commercial or something.
- Great idea, Uncle Jesse!
- Oh, yeah, great idea, Uncle Jesse.
- Uh, D.J., honey, I’ll ask around but don’t get your hopes up too high, okay?
- I understand, dad. Whatever happens, happens. But I hope it happens this week.
- If I kiss you, will you turn back into a frog?
- Alright, Michelle, you’ve got to be sick and tired of all that strained baby grub they give you around here.
- Here, here’s a corned beef sandwich on rye with a big, fat, kosher pickle.
- (Jesse) ‘Now, what do you want on the side?’ ‘Potato salad or coleslaw?’
- ‘Just the pickle? Okay.’
- Hey, Jesse. Hey, Michelle.
- Jesse. Why is Michelle eating a pickle and a corned beef sandwich?
- ‘Cause I didn’t have time to make buffalo chicken wings.
- I’ll take that, thank you.
- Joseph, you did some shopping.
- Very nice. Hey, you want a sandwich?
- A corned beef sandwich on rye?
- No, thank you.
- You don’t want a corned beef on rye?
- It’s extra fatty.
- No, thanks.
- Why would I want that when I have meatless vegetable cutlets
- marinated tofu squares
- salt-free rice crackers.
- What did you do, win a Hare Krishna family publisher sweepstakes?
- Isn’t that the one with Ed McMahon in the orange robe with a shaved head?
- Hey, you guys can make fun of my food all you want.
- I got some test results back from my doctor.
- He said my cholesterol level’s a little high but there’s nothing to worry about. All is I have to do is start exercising a little more.
- Good. Exercise is good for you, Joseph.
- Eat less saturated fats.
- – Good. No fats. – Keep you slim.
- And I’ve decided to completely give up junk food.
- What, you guys don’t think I can do it?
- Good sandwich. Mighty good sandwich.
- You are talking to Mr. Willpower, dudes.
- It just so happens I gave up smoking like that.
- Joey, I’ve known you forever. When did you smoke?
- When I was 12, I smoked 4 cigarettes
- my dad caught me, and I stopped cold turkey.
- Okay. Back to my life. Look, guys, I called up a casting director
- as someone so thoughtfully suggested right in front of D.J. Thanks, frog-boy.
- Anyway, it turns out there’s an audition next week for some cereal commercial. I don’t even know if I should tell D.J. about it.
- Daniel, in life, when something comes along you must grab it.
- D.J.’s going for it.
- Wrong yet one more time.
- D.J.’s gonna get all excited she’s gonna get beat out by some professional kiddie actor and she’s gonna feel like a loser for no reason at all.
- – Don’t put her through it. – Go for it.
- – Don’t put her through it. – Go for it.
- This is the hard part about being a parent. Every decision we make could drastically alter the lives of my children forever.
- Joey’s right. Don’t put her through it.
- Hey, don’t listen to me. Jesse’s right. She should go for it.
- Hey, pal, I don’t know what I’m talking about and there’s not a man in this room that can say I do.
- Maybe I should talk this over with D.J. instead of Gomer and Goober.
- I-If you think that’s best.
- – You’re the dad. – Right.
- – Feed my kid, please. – Alright.
- – Alright. – Feed the kid, Gomer.
- Okay, Goob.
- Jess, think about it. Every decision we make could possibly affect these girls for the rest of their lives.
- What should we feed Michelle? Strained broccoli or strained peas?
- Don’t ask me.
- (Joey) ‘Michelle, it’s up to you.’
- Now remember, that’s your decision.
- Hi, honey. Homework?
- Yeah, we’re learning about “The bill of rights.” Does freedom of speech mean I can say anything I want around the house?
- Sure, but don’t forget, I have freedom of say that again, and you’re grounded.
- Look, D.J., there’s..
- D.J., there’s something I want you to think about very carefully.
- I called a casting director and there’s an audition next week for a cereal commercial.
- Great! I want to do it.
- Honey, you realize the chances of getting this job are very, very tiny, microscopic.
- I want to do it.
- If you do this, it should be for fun. I don’t want you to feel disappointed if you don’t get it.
- Listen to me, dad. I want to do it.
- I understand you want to do it.
- But will you consider all this before you make your decision?
- Sure, dad.
- I want to do it.
- Okay, this is it, girls.
- They all look so professional.
- Very nice audition, Karen.
- Thank you so much, Vivian. It felt good for me too.
- Why don’t I leave you my new picture and resume?
- Well, I hope I’ll be hearing from you soon. – Ciao. – Uh-huh.
- Was that a little kid or a tiny grownup?
- Look, Steph, why don’t you go over there and do some coloring, okay?
- Uncle Jesse, this was a mistake.
- I don’t have a picture. I don’t have a resume. All I did was kiss a frog.
- Alright, I’ll take care of this for you, alright?
- (Jesse) ‘May I call you Viv?’
- Hi, Viv, listen, uh, I’d like to introduce to you
- a very talented young actress, Miss Donna Jo Tanner.
- Look at that face.
- Nice face, just sign in and leave your picture and resume at the desk.
- But I don’t have a picture.
- Yes, you do!
- See? Right here.
- I didn’t have time to make hair.
- “Hey, moms and dads, come real close to the set.
- “Send all the kids out of the room.
- “Are they gone? Good. I’ve got a secret.
- “Oat Boats are chocked full of vitamins and minerals “but don’t let your kids know.
- “They’ll eat them anyways ‘cause they taste so great.
- “Yeah, Oat Boats! “Now remember, this is our little secret.
- If the word gets out, I’ll deny everything.”
- Oh, beautiful! That was great! That was so–
- I’m sorry. I was touched. I was moved.
- Kids will love her. I do.
- And so do I. I thought you were terrific.
- I want you to stay and do it one more time for Mr. Benton. He makes the final decision.
- Y-Yes!
- I mean, very well.
- Um, excuse me, do I have time to do my hair before Mr. Benton gets here?
- Sure, no problem.
- Alright. I gotta go put change in the meter. Steph, you stay right here and be good, okay? Alright.
- Miss Vivian, can I please have a little cereal? D.J. was so good she made me want to eat some.
- – Knock yourself out. – Thanks.
- I love Oat Boat races.
- It’s the strawberry against the banana! And they’re off!
- It’s the banana! It’s the strawberry!
- And the banana wins. First prize is a trip to my mouth.
- (Mr. Benton) ‘I love it!’
- I-I didn’t think we were gonna go this young but this little girl is adorable.
- Vivian, you’ve done it again.
- Well, Mr. Benton sometimes you just have to go with your instincts.
- Congratulations, young lady you’re the new Oat Boat girl.
- What?
- What?
- What?
- Well, here we go.
- Some of my special seaweed protein wheat germ tonic.
- (Joey) ‘Cholesterol free.’
- – ‘D.J.’ – ‘Hey, Deej?’
- Something tells me things didn’t go so great at the audition, did they?
- Oh, no.
- We talked about how this might happen. They probably just gave the part to somebody’s relative.
- Oh, yeah.
- – Hello. – ‘Hey.’
- I know, D.J. didn’t get the part.
- Here’s something you don’t know. Steph did.
- Stephanie got the part? That’s wonderful!
- I’m really sorry.
- But, that’s wonderful!
- I’m really sorry.
- How did this happen?
- If I said, hey, that’s show biz, babe that wouldn’t get me off the hook, would it?
- Hey, cheer up. There’s a bright side.
- I had nothing to do with it.
- D.J., are you mad at me?
- Why would I be mad at you?
- Because I.. Oh, no reason.
- I’m not mad. I’m happy for you.
- Way to go, Steph.
- Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have homework to do.
- Is it okay to be happy?
- Of course it is, sweetheart.
- I got it! I got it!
- Stephanie, for your sister’s sake be happy a little quieter.
- I got it. I got it.
- Michelle, are you sure you don’t want this?
- Are you sure?
- It’s so.. …juicy.
- So meaty.
- So saturated.
- So what?
- (Danny) ‘Joey, are you in there?’
- Joey, we’ve been looking for you. Where you been?
- What did you say?
- Beautiful baby.
- Where did the small fry get the French fry?
- Must have been there for weeks.
- (Jesse) It’s still warm.
- Ah, and look at this.
- [gasps] Oh, my goodness it looks as though Michelle has toddled up to the drive-through window again.
- Alright, I’m weak, I’m weak!
- I’m not Mr. Willpower, I’m Mr. Cholesterol.
- Joey, you went from all junk food to all..
- I don’t know what the hell you’ve been eating.
- There’s another choice here. Try moderation. More fruit.
- – More fiber. Less fat. – And we’ll help out.
- I’ll start by helping you eat this burger and fries. Thank you.
- Come here, Michelle.
- Guys, look. I’ve got to get back to the station, okay? Listen to me. This is real important.
- Keep an eye on D.J. and Stephanie.
- Right now, they’re avoiding each other but I have a feeling that’s only temporary
- considering they share a bedroom.
- Alright. We’ll take care of it.
- Bye-bye, Michelle.
- And please, don’t ever go into acting.
- “I love Oat Boats because Stephanie “takes heaping spoonful of cereal.
- They taste great. She takes a bite.”
- Oh, I’m sorry. Go ahead. Rehearse.
- “I love Oat Boats “because Stephanie takes heaping spoon–“
- If I’m doing something wrong will you help me?
- You didn’t need any help when you stole my part.
- Are you sure you’re not mad at me?
- Don’t be silly. I’m glad I didn’t get it.
- You’ll miss a lot of school doing that commercial and they’ll probably leave you back.
- I think you’re jealous.
- Me, jealous?
- But I am hungry.
- Fine. You can have it.
- Give me that right now!
- – Give me it! – No way, Jose.
- Give me it! You’re a thief!
- You’re jealous!
- – Thief! – Jealous!
- Give me that, Stephanie Judith!
- No, Donna Jo Margaret!
- Why am I crawling?
- She stole my cereal!
- She stole my part!
- – Jealous! – Thief!
- Well, we got that all out of our systems.
- Why don’t you two just give each other a nice kiss and make up.
- Alright. Come here, you. Here. You take your Oat Boats
- and go practice in the living room, okay?
- Stephanie Judith.
- Donna Jo Margaret.
- Margaret?
- Uh, D.J., why don’t you wait downstairs and we’ll be down in a minute.
- – But you said– – D.J.
- D.J., we need to talk.
- Let me save you a lot of trouble. You’re right, I’m wrong, and I don’t care.
- Listen, D.J., Jesse and I strike out
- on auditions all the time.
- Being a performer is basically a series of rejections occasionally interrupted by work.
- Oh, yeah? Well, did either of you have a part stolen by your little sister?
- Uh, yeah, you know something? She’s right. D.J., you’re right.
- Stephanie stole that part right out from under you. In fact, she planned this whole thing.
- She tricked us into bringing her along pretending that she cares about you.
- The conniving little sneak.
- ‘And then, you fell’ into Stephanie’s fiendish little trap by doing a great audition.
- The monster.
- Meanwhile, the sinister little Stephanie she used her telekinetic powers to send us out of the room
- so she could steal your commercial.
- I say we light some torches find the she-devil and drive her into the night!
- Okay, you guys were right. She didn’t do it on purpose.
- But I’m still mad at her.
- Alright, alright, kiddo. I wanna know what’s eatin’ ya.
- Alright, pal. Come on. What’s the matter? Tell us.
- I don’t know. I’m so sick of sisters.
- Everything was just fine when it was just me.
- Then, Stephanie came along and everyone said she was so cute.
- Now everyone says Michelle is so cute.
- It’s so disgusting.
- Well, was it so disgusting when you did the play and everyone thought you were so cute?
- No, that was fine.
- Until one of the so cute sisters ruined everything again.
- Ah, buddy. It’s tough being the oldest
- but you can’t overlook the benefits. I mean, you get everything new. No hand-me-downs.
- And you get to do everything first.
- That’s right, date.
- Drive.
- You’re the first to be admitted to an R-rated picture.
- Without a parent or a legal guardian, huh?
- But the best part is..
- …you got two little sisters.. …who need you and look up to you.
- And love you very, very much.
- (Joey) ‘So what do you think?’ Should we light the torches, find the beast and drive her into the darkness?
- [chuckles] I guess not. But if we did, I’d still have one little sister left.
- – ‘Aah!’ – Noogie!
- Hello, information? I need to talk to Mr. Boat.
- Mr. Oat Boat.
- I need to talk to Mr. Boat. I can’t do his commercial.
- His cereal is tearing my family apart.
- Steph, I need to talk to you.
- My sister’s here. Can I put you on hold?
- Hello?
- How rude.
- I’m sorry, I stole your part.
- You didn’t steal it on purpose. You didn’t know what you were doing.
- That’s true. I never know what I’m doing.
- But you were right about one thing. I was a little jealous.
- That’s okay. I’m always jealous of you.
- – Really? – Uh-huh.
- That’s why I follow you around and bug you. I think you’re the smartest prettiest, funnest girl I know.
- Except when you hate me.
- I don’t wanna hate you. I was just mad at you
- and someday I’ll probably be mad at you again.
- Can you tell me when so I can go visit grandma?
- That was funny, Steph.
- Well, I know the rule is you have to love your little sister
- but even if you were some strange little kid who lived in my room, I’d love you anyways. You’re my best friend.
- Really? I’m your best friend?
- Well, that works out great because you’re mine.
- But do we really need Michelle?
- Yeah, you’ll like her better when she’s old enough to push around.
- Now let’s work on that script.
- Now, where it says here ‘”Stephanie takes heaping spoonful”‘ – ‘Uh-huh.’ – You don’t need to say that.
- – You just do it. – No!
- – Yeah. – Wow. This acting is tough. I wonder if Yogi Bear had this kind of trouble.
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