- Step number one. Hitch up your pants so your butt crack doesn’t show.
- ‘That’s right. Very good.’
- Now listen, watch the master
- and do exactly what I do at all times, alright?
- Here we go.
- ‘Alright, step number two.’ We loosen the nut under here.
- ‘This one’s a little tight.’ Knock here. We just..
- Oh! Oh! Oh! Pain. Pain. Pain.
- (together) Pain. Pain. Pain.
- Mighty mutant super kids. We have destroyed the forces of evil.
- Time to mutate back into regular kids.
- Derek, we’re done mutating.
- Sorry. I got lost on the super side.
- Hey! Why don’t we start a mighty mutant super kids club?
- Yeah. But it has to be a secret. We can’t tell anybody.
- Especially grownups.
- I propose we take an oath.
- Do we swear never to tell anyone about the mighty mutant super kids club?
- (together) I swear.
- If you tell, you have to pull out your toenails and eat them.
- (together) Ew.
- Lisa, you’re gross.
- Yeah.
- Now, we need to pick a president.
- I pick me. All in favor say, “Aaron rules.”
- Perhaps our leader should be whoever is able to purchase a mighty mutant super fortress.
- How will we gonna get all that money without telling anyone?
- Whoever figures that out deserves to be president.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Deej, the Giants are playing the Dodgers. And I got an extra ticket.
- Oh, thanks, Kimmy. But if I want to see a man spit and scratch I’ll just watch Joey polish the silver.
- I figured you wouldn’t wanna go so I asked Nelson.
- Kimmy, I only broke up with the guy a few weeks ago.
- I know. I’m going for that rebound thing.
- Do you mind? You’re not jealous, are you?
- Of you and Nelson? Somehow I don’t think so.
- Oh, so just because Nelson’s rich and handsome he couldn’t possibly be interested in me?
- No, I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant that we’re different.
- I mean, some people like steak and some people like chicken.
- Are you calling me a chicken!
- No, of course not. Tell you what. You can be the steak.
- Oh, so now I’m a pig!
- Kimmy, steak comes from a cow.
- A cow!
- That’s the final insult!
- Hey, Nicky, Alex. Come here. Give your uncle a hug.
- – Hi, Uncle Danny. – Ooh, thank you.. Oh!
- Hey, so what did you guys do at the park?
- I ate dirt.
- – Why? – I told him to.
- Stephanie, what are you doing here?
- Why-why-why are you using my Kiss t-shirt as a rag?
- Because it was in the rag pile?
- Rag pile? Who put in the rag.. Why was it in the rag pile?
- Well, I put it in the rag pile. You never wear that shirt.
- Well, this is my Kiss t-shirt. I’m saving it for sentimental reasons.
- Man, I used to love Kiss. Remember the guy with the tongue?
- Rock ‘n’ roll!
- (together) Rock ‘n’ roll!
- That’s nice. Nice role model, Joey, thanks.
- Come on boys, I’ll show you how to lick a stamp. When it’s already in the mailbox.
- Well, honey, I’m really sorry about your shirt. I didn’t realize you were such a big Kiss fan.
- I’m not. It’s just.. It was a gift, you know.
- I see. What was her name?
- Why do you automatically assume it was a woman?
- You see what..
- It was Allison White, actually.
- She was the first girl I ever took to a concert. There, you happy now? You badgered it out of me.
- I can’t believe you lost every tie I ever bought you and you saved that shirt for 15 years.
- It was actually 14 years.
- Well, this girl was obviously very special to you.
- No. No.
- I mean, if she was so special we would have gone through with the marriage.
- You were engaged to her?
- Well, not engaged engaged. Like-like-like we were engaged.
- Things were different. You know, when you’re 16, you’re at a drive-in
- the windows are up, you’re not getting enough oxygen
- you’ll say anything.
- Look, didn’t you have some guy in your past that I don’t know about?
- – Sure, I did. A ton of ‘em! – A ton, huh?
- That one really big fat one or a bunch of little ones?
- It was a lot of good-looking ones with really nice hair.
- You make me laugh. Ha ha ha.
- Would you like me to make a list for you?
- Fine.
- See that? That was a bad move.
- And I’ll make a list for you.
- Fine.
- See? That was a really bad move.
- Daddy, can I have $39?
- Absolutely not.
- Joey, can I have $39?
- Absolutely.
- Danny, can I borrow $39?
- Absolutely not.
- Michelle, what’s going on?
- That’s a secret.
- Fine honey, you keep your secret and I’ll keep my $39.
- Okay, okay. But swear you won’t tell or you’ll have to eat toenails.
- That’s a standard oath. Just go with it.
- Okay, I swear.
- Okay, we started a mighty mutant super kids club.
- And it’s my first secret club and it’s really cool.
- Whoever gets a super fortress gets to be president. Let’s go.
- Michelle, it’s not your birthday and it’s not Christmas and I think $39 is too much for a toy.
- Plus, even if you could squeeze the money out of him you’d never be able to get hold of a super fortress.
- They’re sold out in every toy store in town.
- How would you know that?
- Well, I-I might just have my name on a few waiting lists.
- Nelson. I didn’t know you were coming over.
- Uh, Kimmy asked me to meet her here. Her mom’s having an electrolysis party.
- – So how have you been? – Keeping busy.
- Not with anyone in particular, just lots of different people.
- Yeah, me, too. Lots of different people. Who can keep count?
- A one-armed man?
- Good evening, all.
- Kimmy?
- Oh, hello, Nelson.
- Kimmy, there’s something different about you.
- You look so…so lifelike.
- Actually, you look lovely.
- You know, we still have some time before the game. Would you like to go to Chez Nous, get crepe suzettes?
- Well, I’m not that into Greek food
- but uh.. Si, senor.
- Well, I guess we’d better get going. Allow me.
- Oh, no, no, no. Allow me.
- I must report I failed dismally at procuring a super fortress.
- Me, too. What he said.
- – Who is it? – Dad.
- You can’t come in. You could be Fungo, the evil wizard.
- I got popcorn.
- Bring it on, Fungo!
- – Hey. – Popcorn!
- Hey, sure looks like the mighty mutant super kids club has super appetites.
- Hey, that’s a secret!
- How did you know we were the mighty mutant super kids club?
- Well, uh, I don’t know.
- You just seem so mighty and mutant like.
- Michelle, you told our secret.
- Is this good popcorn or what?
- Don’t fill up on popcorn, Michelle.
- – You’re eating toenails. – No.
- You’re out of the club. Let’s go.
- I’m afraid we’ll need that headband.
- Thanks, dad.
- Oh, Michelle, I’m sorry. It-it was an accident.
- The best secret club in the whole world and I’m out of it.
- How could I just blurt out Michelle’s secret like that?
- You made a mistake.
- It doesn’t make you a bad person just a bad person to tell a secret to.
- Hey, honey, how’s it going?
- I’d tell you, but you’d blab.
- Can’t you just call your friends and apologize?
- I called Derek. He said I should find a new social circle.
- Come on, Comet. We’ll start our own circle.
- Well, there goes my Father of the Year Award.
- I’ll bet you she’d forgive you if you got her back in that club.
- How am I supposed to do that?
- Well, the word is on the street
- that, uh, the toy basement is expecting
- a big shipment of super fortresses coming in from Panama tomorrow.
- So you’re saying
- that I should just throw principle right out the window and buy Michelle’s way back into the club?
- Exacta mundo.
- That could work.
- Aunt Becky, are you busy?
- Oh, no. I’m just making up a list of the guys I went out with
- and all the guys I wish I’d gone out with and a few guys guys I made up just to drive your uncle crazy.
- Relationships are so confusing even when they’re over.
- I broke up with Nelson, but he went out with Kimmy last night and it’s driving me crazy.
- Well, do you wanna get back together with Nelson?
- No. I just don’t want Kimmy to have him either.
- That sounds bad, doesn’t it?
- Nah. Everybody gets jealous sometimes.
- The important thing is how you handle it.
- I am making up a phony list.
- Larry…Couch-Couchman. Larry Couchman.
- Hey, Beck. Oh, I’m sorry.
- Am I interrupting you guys?
- No, it’s okay. I’m leaving. Thanks for listening up, Becky.
- So Beck, you ready to take a stroll down ex-lovers lane?
- That’s your list?
- Yep. Oh, well, I narrowed it down to just the ones I really cared about.
- Uh, I may need some more time.
- No, no, no. Time’s up. It’s time for you to read.
- Go ahead.
- “Rebecca. Rebecca. Rebecca.
- How many Rebecca’s did you date?
- Only one.
- She’s more important than any ratty old Kiss t-shirt any ratty old girlfriend
- or anything else that happened in my life before you came into it.
- Oh, honey.
- It’s a good thing that we love each other so much and we have nothing to be jealous of.
- Right. Except that list you’re trying to hide.
- – What list? – That list.
- Who’s Veto End-table-lini?
- (man over PA) Attention, shoppers. The toy basement will be opening in ten seconds.
- Hey! Hey, come on. I’m standing here!
- Please, no pushing.
- Hey, my nose.
- Aah! Watch your heels!
- Get up, men.
- Danny, give me your hand.
- Not now, Joey.
- No, I’ve got a plan. Come over here.
- Jess, here, put your foot here.
- Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll get a closer look.
- Yeah, a much closer look.
- One, Two.
- ‘Oh, oh, oh, watch it, watch it.’
- The hair, the hair.. The hair!
- – Joey, I’m going in after him. – Danny, don’t be a fool.
- If I don’t come out, tell the girls I love them a lot. And never forget to use a coaster.
- Excuse me! Pardon me. Coming through.
- Joey, I got one!
- Basement, please.
- Are you okay?
- I hurt my finger, mister. I think it’s broken.
- Let’s take a look here.
- Hey, mom! I got one!
- Give me that back! That’s mine!
- Mommy!
- Mommy’s here.
- I believe that toy belongs to my daughter.
- Gee, your hand smells terrific.
- Got one! It’s all mine!
- Sorry, lady. I thought your legs were wider.
- Ow! Your purse was softer.
- Hey, Danny. How’d it go over there?
- Not well.
- Attention, shoppers. We’re sorry to announce we’re temporarily out of super fortresses.
- – Jesse! – Oh, man, come on.
- Are you okay, buddy?
- They messed up my hair.
- Oh, look what they did to Mr. Good-part.
- You’re shaking off. We gotta get you home.
- Psst! Psst! Hey, guys.
- You looking for Super Fortresses?
- Could you pass me another muffin, please?
- ♪ I am so beautiful ♪
- ♪ to me ♪♪
- I just lost my appetite.
- Oh, in that case, you won’t be needing this, thank you.
- Hey, Kimmy, how’s it..
- What the heck is that on your neck?
- Looks like a hickey. Don’t tell me Nelson gave you a love bite.
- Sorry. I’m not the type to be nibbled and tell.
- Kimmy, I want you to know
- that whatever happened between you and Nelson and I don’t need details.
- I wish you the best.
- Oh, Deej, I thought you said that Nelson couldn’t be interested in me.
- I know. I’m sorry.
- I-I guess the only reason I said that was… because I was jealous.
- You were jealous of me?
- My whole life, you were always up here and I was always down here.
- Now I’m up here, and you’re down here.
- Cool.
- Kimmy, I’d like to think of it more as…here.
- I can live with that.
- Thanks, Deej.
- Kimmy, there’s a picture on the sports page that looks like you.
- Oh, it couldn’t be. Gotta go.
- Hold it.
- Says here, “An overexcited fan “leaned over the fence to pinch the bat boy
- “and took a foul ball to the neck.”
- Kimmy!
- The worst part is I missed the bat boy and got a handful of Tommy Lasorda.
- Michelle, why did your dad call us all here?
- I don’t know. He’s not home yet.
- It better be good!
- That’s just what I was thinking.
- Dad, what happened to your shirt?
- Same thing that happened to my ribs, but you can see it.
- Alright, Aaron, Derek, Lisa, I got a little business proposition for you guys.
- We’re listening.
- Alright. This club means a lot to Michelle.
- If you guys let her back in I’ll give you what’s in the bag.
- Without seeing it? You must think we’re stupid.
- I’m afraid in his own rude way Aaron’s right, sir.
- Okay, you guys drive a hard bargain
- but feast your eyes on…
- (together) Super Fortress!
- Super fake!
- Yeah, this is not an official Super Fortress.
- Super Mandy looks like Abraham Lincoln.
- And I believe the evil Fungo bears a striking resemblance to Herbert Hoover.
- This is just a cheap imitation.
- Cheap?
- I paid 75 bucks to a guy in an alley for this stuff.
- $75? Ha! They saw you coming.
- Stop it! It’s not funny!
- It’s okay, honey. It’s okay.
- No. You tried harder than anyone to help me.
- Your shirt got all ripped and you got all dirty. I think you’re the best dad in the whole world.
- Aw, thank you.
- That’s real sweet, but you’re still out of the club!
- Who cares about your stupid club? I’ll start my own club and none of you guys can be in it.
- Oh, wait a minute. That’s not right.
- The whole reason to be in a club in the first place is to hang out with your friends have fun.
- But if you’re gonna fight all the time, what fun is that?
- What fun is having a secret if somebody blabs it?
- Our young mutant friend here makes a good point.
- Okay, perhaps it was a mistake for Michelle to tell me about your secret club.
- Big mistake.
- And it was a mistake for me to blab it to you guys.
- Bigger mistake.
- And it was a mistake for me to try and bribe her way back into the club.
- We’re all in agreement that mistakes were made here but that doesn’t mean you guys can’t be friends. You still like each other, don’t you?
- I still like Michelle.
- Me too.
- Yeah. I like her, too.
- I like you guys, too.
- I think Michelle should be reinstated.
- Why don’t we just let her back in?
- Right.
- Ready?
- – Mighty.. – Mutant..
- – Super.. – Kids!
- And their dads.
- Dad, don’t push it.
- Right. Well, you guys have fun.
- I’m going to start my own club. The mighty mutant I’m-all-alone-dad club.
- Let’s mutate!
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