- I don’t know, just off the top of my head.
- – M-meatloaf? – No.
- For a little change of pace, I thought I’d come up
- with something different, so for your dining enjoyment
- I give you meat muffins.
- And I give you the menu to Wing Ho’s. Let’s call them now.
- I’m starved. What’s for dinner?
- Guys, you’ve been following me all day.
- That’s ‘cause we like you.
- I like you too, but why don’t we take a little break
- from all this liking and eat dinner?
- Well, actually, dinner’s gonna be late. Thanks to the Pillsbury meat boy.
- Let’s play more, Michelle.
- Okay, how about hide and seek?
- You guys hide and I’ll count.
- To a million.
- Little cranky there, sis.
- Do you know what it’s like having little kids bugging you all day long?
- I guess you don’t remember where you got that count-to-a-million trick.
- Hey, it’s the Saturday night with nothing-to-do gang.
- So, where’s D.J.?
- She’s upstairs getting dressed.
- She’s not ready yet? It’s our first frat party with college guys.
- I’ve looked like this since noon.
- Well, it’s nighttime now. The darkness can only help.
- Boy, Danny, in college, our frat parties were a blast
- especially when all those high school girls used to show up.
- They believed everything we said.
- [chuckles] Yeah, we had some good times Mr. Fourth Man On The Moon.
- You did pretty well yourself, Mr. I Created Love Boat, Girls.
- You guys lied to those girls?
- Well, yeah, it’s not something we’re proud of
- but, you know, when a kid is young and he wants to impress a girl he’ll say just about anything to–
- I better go talk to D.J. Excuse me.
- [sighs] Deej, I am so nervous about this party. Pit check. One, two.
- – Dry as a bone. – I better be.
- That’s the name of my deodorant.
- Kimmy, let’s just try and relax and have fun tonight, okay?
- So, what if they’re in college, and we’re still in high school? I mean, there’s no difference between you and those guys.
- Except about 600 points on your SATs.
- Uh, Deej, honey, about that frat party tonight
- I-I-I want you to know that I think you’re a totally responsible, intelligent young woman, okay and I trust you completely.
- So, please, if you will just accept this fatherly advice in the spirit in which I’m giving it to you, okay?
- No matter what anybody may tell you tonight..
- …the guy who created love boat will not be there.
- I win again.
- [sighs] So you got lucky.
- Even Comet beat you.
- Well, Comet’s a big, hairy cheater.
- Okay, boys, there she is. There’s your favorite cousin.
- Oh, no, I’ve been playing with them all day.
- Here you go. Go play. Go play.
- You wrecked it. You guys are driving me crazy.
- Just leave me alone.
- Michelle’s mean.
- I am not mean. You’ve just been bugging me.
- We don’t like you anymore.
- (Jesse) ‘Boys, boys, you don’t mean that.’
- Oh, great, now they hate me.
- Oh, they don’t hate you, Michelle.
- Michelle, don’t worry. I mean, they’re-they’re just kids.
- You know, I mean, uh, you know, they say something
- and they forget about it a minute later.
- – We hate Michelle. – We, we hate Michelle.
- – Woo-hoo! I can fly. – Shh! Shh!
- – Woo-hoo. I can fly. – Ssh! Shh!
- Kimmy, why couldn’t you have drunk light beer? Urgh.
- D.J., Deej, I just want you to know
- that I plan on being the same person I was
- before I developed superpowers.
- – What’s going on in here? – Oh, great!
- It’s the creature from the Blonde Lagoon.
- Um, Kimmy’s not feeling very well.
- I feel fine.
- Wait a minute. I learned about this in health class. She has all the symptoms.
- Disorientation.
- Dilated pupils.
- Lack of balance.
- Kimmy ate tainted pork.
- Steph, she did not eat tainted pork.
- – She’s drunk. – No.
- – We gotta tell dad. – No, no, we can’t.
- Look, Kimmy’s not exactly his favorite person. If he finds out, she’ll never be allowed back in the house.
- Again I say, we gotta tell dad.
- (Danny) ‘D.J.’
- Yeah, one sec, dad. Urgh!
- Look, look, Kimmy, we’re gonna play a little game, okay?
- Whoever can stay the quietest gets to lip wrestle with the captain of the football team.
- Play ball.
- Come in.
- You’re home early. How was the party?
- Oh, it was great. Uh, it was really good. We just didn’t wanna burn out on fun.
- I’m glad you had a good time.
- That isn’t the guy who created love boat under there, is it?
- No, um, actually, i-it’s Kimmy.
- She had a really big fight with her parents so I just told her she could sleep at our house.
- Why couldn’t she just have a really big fight with us and sleep at her own house?
- [chuckles] That’s something to think about.
- You know, I’m, I’m really tired. All that frat fun.
- I’ll-I’ll just see you guys in the morning?
- Alright. Sleep tight, sweetheart. Okay.
- (Kimmy) ‘Hey, this party’s too dark.’
- Kimmy, the party’s over. You got us kicked out.
- – Just go to sleep, okay? – You can’t tell me what to do.
- [sighs] Look, Kimmy, I’m trying to be a good friend, okay? But you’re making this really hard.
- Well, let me make it easy for you.
- I’m outta here.
- D.J., what am I gonna do? Nicky and Alex still hate me.
- D.J.?
- My, what a boney butt you have.
- I don’t wanna go to school.
- – Mom, you shrunk. – Whoa!
- Well, you’re finally up.
- Next time, dragon breath sleeps in your bed I want to be notified.
- Rise and shine. It’s a beautiful morning.
- Oh, somebody, turn down the sun.
- Have a pleasant night?
- Oh, it was awful.
- I had this horrible dream I was driving a white porcelain bus.
- That’s because you spent the night with your head in the toilet, throwing up.
- Oh! No wonder every time I hit the turn signal I heard a flush.
- Do you have any memory of what happened last night?
- Yes, I do. You ruined the best night of my life.
- I ruined your night? Who do you think was holding your hair while you were driving that bus?
- Who-who let you sleep in their bed while they slept on a chair?
- Who called your parents and covered for you?
- You’re just jealous because I was the life of the party.
- [scoffs] You are so off.
- Oh, please. I remember everything.
- The party was just getting hot.
- You were sitting on reject row.
- Kimmy, where have you been? You promised you wouldn’t leave me alone.
- [English accent] I’ve been on the veranda having cocktails with these incredibly engaging young men.
- I hate this party. None of the cool guys will talk to me.
- Au contraire. I find the guests quite obliging.
- Oh, Kimmy, would you honor us with a poem?
- If you insist.
- This is one of my favorites.
- “I think that I shall never see a poem lovely as a tree.”
- Oh, hors d’oeuvres.
- Kimmy, I-I’ve never seen you so clever and witty. Not to mention coordinated.
- And I hate it! We’re going home and I’m driving. I’m tired of taking a back seat to you.
- No, don’t take her from us. She’s a national treasure.
- The party will die without her grace and charm.
- Then let it die!
- (Kimmy) And that’s how you ruined my night.
- Hello, news flash. I saved your scrawny neck last night.
- You embarrassed my scrawny neck last night. I think it’s time we went our separate ways.
- Oh, that’s the first coherent thing you’ve said all day.
- Oh, good. We agree. This friendship is over.
- – Fine with me. – Fine with me.
- Kimmy, this is my room.
- You are so possessive.
- Joey, it doesn’t smell like French toast.
- Steph, I am determined to come up with a tasty meal for this family.
- Now, I only know two things for certain in this world.
- People love pastry. People love fish.
- Thus I submit for your approval..
- …flounder tarts.
- Approval denied.
- Uncle Jesse, when are you gonna talk to Nicky and Alex?
- – They’re still mad at me. – Don’t worry about it, shorty.
- Your Uncle Jesse has it all taken care of.
- Joey, two questions.
- Can you help me? And what did I just put in my mouth?
- Yes, and flounder tart.
- Oh, brother.
- I should have got all the bones out of this one.
- Give me that. Give me that.
- Alright, there you go.
- Jess, the boys are here.
- Alright, boys, sit down, sit down.
- Honey, you know, I still think that we should let the kids work this out for themselves.
- Becky, sweetheart, sweetheart, sweetheart if kids could work things out by themselves then they wouldn’t need parents.
- Now, I’m gonna teach them something called forgiveness. Sit back…and watch the master.
- Yes, master.
- I’ll be over there in my bottle if you need me.
- Alright, Jeannie. Alright, Jeannie.
- Alright, gentlemen, now, when you’re dealing with your, uh
- cousins, or-or your friends, there’s a very important thing
- I like to call forgiveness, alright?
- Can you guys say that with me? Say forgiveness.
- – Forgiveness. – Forgiveness.
- Heck of a try. Good.
- I-I, I see it’s a little fuzzy so I-I-I’ll show you what I’m talking about.
- Joseph, can you help me out over here? I need a little hand.
- – Absolutely. – ‘Okay.’
- Now, um, say, say, say, I was to put, uh
- I don’t know, one of Joey’s, uh
- very delicious flounder tarts in his pocket here, like so.
- Watch. See, just put it in the pocket.
- And I give it a nice, uh.. What’s the word I’m looking for? Whack!
- ‘Like so.’
- I know that my dear pal, Joey, would forgive me.
- – Right, Joe? – Yes, I forgive you.
- Thank you. You see how that works, boys? I do a thing, he forgives. I-it works very nice.
- Now, uh, boys, can you find it in your heart to, uh, forgive Michelle over there?
- – No. – ‘No?’
- Okay, well, I see this concept may need another example.
- Oh, well, permit me, daddy.
- Now, boys, if I were to take some of this leftover fish goo..
- – Well.. – And put some of it in my hand.
- And just kind of goop it on daddy’s face..
- ‘…like so..’
- …I know that he would forgive me.
- I’m gonna–
- …forgive you. I forgive you. I do forgive you.
- Yeah, well, let’s, l-l-let’s keep going with this thing shall we?
- Now, boys, pay attention.
- If I were to, say, uh, oh, I don’t know
- take this whole pitcher of.. …flounder goo..
- …and then I was to, say, pour it down Joey’s shirt..
- Joseph, can you help me? My-my hands are a little dirty.
- …like this.
- I know that my buddy, Joey, would forgive me, right, Joe?
- Oh, I forgive you, Jess.
- But, boys, just so there’s not a shadow of a doubt
- on this whole forgiveness concept..
- Suppose I were to take this eggbeater, and crank it up
- to frappe, and just stand behind your dad–
- Okay! Okay! Okay, professors.
- Now, boys..
- Before this fish fry goes any further can you please tell your cousin, Michelle that you forgive her?
- – We can’t. – Why not?
- We don’t know what forgive means.
- Guys, forgiveness means you know I’m sorry for what I did and you’ll give me another chance
- ‘cause we love each other.
- Oh!
- We forgive you.
- See, now, who knew the kids could work this out all by themselves?
- Oh, that’s right.
- [chuckles] I did.
- Hey, Deej, we’re all going out to breakfast. The kitchen smells like sea world.
- You can, uh, you can bring Kimmy along if you’d like.
- I wouldn’t invite Kimmy to any place where humans gather.
- Oh, so I take it you two had a little argument.
- Little in the sense that we’re never talking again.
- The truth is Kimmy slept here last night because she got drunk at that party, and couldn’t go home.
- I hope you weren’t drinking too.
- No, dad, don’t worry. I-I wasn’t drinking.
- And I drove home… after I fought her for the keys.
- Oh, man. It’s a good thing you were there. Why didn’t you tell me about this last night?
- I should have, but I was afraid you wouldn’t let me see her again.
- But that’s just fine with me.
- Well, Deej, I know I say a lot of things about Kimmy being an annoying, obnoxious nuisance and I mean every one of them..
- …but she’s still your best friend.
- If somebody makes a wrong choice I don’t think you can just walk away from them and ignore ‘em.
- Yeah, well, I-I really don’t wanna spend the rest of my life with Kimmy draped over my shoulder.
- She’s just not the kind of person I wanna hang out with.
- Yeah, but you’re the kind of person she needs. Especially now, don’t you think?
- I thought you’d have made it home by now.
- I’m pacing myself. My objective is the fence by nightfall.
- – Kimmy, you’re so hungover. – Oh, stop screamin’.
- I don’t need to hear any more lectures from you.
- Well, what you need to hear is exactly what happened at that party last night.
- I was actually having a good time. I was talking to these two nice guys.
- You were off somewhere getting drunk.
- – It’s showtime. – ‘Hey.’
- Kimmy, Kimmy, don’t do this.
- Out of my way, Little Miss Perfect.
- Alright, attention, ladies and gentle-dudes.
- I would like to recite a little poem entitled Gas.
- Thank you. I wrote that one myself.
- And now for my encore.
- Hey, snacks.
- Who invited her?
- Hey, hey, I want you to get your friend out of here now.
- Oh, sure, she’s boring. That’s no reason to kick her out of the party.
- We already kicked out the guys who brought the beer. If we get caught, we could lose our charter.
- I’m sorry. We’re leaving.
- – Kimmy, give me the keys. – I think not.
- If you’re making me leave, at least I can just drive home.
- Kimmy, you’re in no condition to drive home.
- But if I walk, I might fall and hurt myself.
- Let’s go.
- Oh, I told you so.
- (D.J.) And that’s what really happened.
- You just can’t admit you were jealous of me.
- You had to embarrass me and take my car keys like.. …like I’m some kind of child.
- Kimmy, you could barely walk.
- It’s my life. What do you care?
- I’m sorry. I do care.
- My mom died because of a drunk driver. I wasn’t gonna lose my best friend the same way.
- Deej..
- …I’m sorry.
- I know. I made an idiot out of myself last night.
- I didn’t know how to talk to those frat guys.
- But after a-a couple of drinks, I started to loosen up.
- For the first time in my life, I felt cool.
- Well, Kimmy, they called you a lot of things at that party but cool wasn’t one of them.
- Well, Deej, how come you weren’t nervous?
- Are you kidding? I was a wreck.
- I was talking to this really cute guy and-and he kept smiling at me.
- And then I-I looked down, and I realized that my elbow was in the clam dip.
- Oh, man, I would have been so humiliated.
- Yeah, well, it wasn’t my finest moment.
- But in some weird way, it broke the ice and we were laughing about it.
- So, the trick to staying calm is to keep your elbow in the dip?
- The trick is to remember that everybody is nervous
- and it’s a lot easier to handle if you stay in control.
- I’m glad one of us did.
- Thanks, D.J.
You cannot copy content of this page
