- It is for Joey.
- Girls, wait till you hear what happened to me today.
- It’s amazing. It’s incredible. It’s unbelievable!
- – What happened? Tell us! – Yeah!
- Can’t tell you.
- I hate it when he does that.
- I’ll tell you just as soon as everyone gets home.
- Oh, boy, what a day.
- Come here, girls. Give your Uncle J a kiss.
- Very nice. Listen, girls, I know how much you look up to me
- but no matter how glamorous you think my life is don’t ever kill bugs for a living.
- Hey, buddy. Insect world got you down?
- Well, close your eyes because I am gonna send you to a land of sunshine and flowers.
- Smell this.
- Joey, you’ve been riding in the dryer again, haven’t you?
- I’m just in a great mood. I want to tell you what happened but I can’t yet.
- Uncle Jesse, he’s driving us crazy.
- Yeah. Make him tell us.
- Okay, Joey.
- – What’s up? – Can’t tell you.
- The man will not crack.
- Hi, girls.
- (together) Hi, dad.
- Bye, girls.
- Okay, Joey, we’re all here. Spill your guts.
- I have been chosen
- as one of the hot up-and-coming comics to go on a two week, 16 college tour.
- – Yes! – Alright!
- I knew you’d get a job!
- [hissing] Oh, the man is hot!
- Well, there’s only one problem. I’m not sure if I’m gonna go or not.
- – Joey! – Why not?
- Well, when I moved in here, I made a commitment to help with the girls and cook and clean and do laundry.
- I-I can’t just take off like that.
- Joey, you have worked too long and too hard to pass this up.
- Man, this could be your big break. You gotta go for it.
- You’re going.
- Yeah, but what about the kids? Both you guys work.
- – We’ll go with you. – Yeah.
- It’s never too early to look at colleges.
- Let’s get out of kindergarten first.
- Well, listen, guys. It’s simple. I will fill in for Joey.
- I’ll just take a couple weeks off the bug biz.
- – You can do that? – Sure.
- I work for my dad. Can’t fire me ‘cause my mom won’t let him.
- You guys sure you can get along without me?
- – Yeah, go have some fun. – Absolutely.
- Great. Ahh. Baby, you’re the greatest.
- [chuckles] Thanks, Ralph.
- Girls.
- You touch me, the deal’s off.
- It’s too late. I’ve already started.
- That’s no penguin. That’s George Bush.
- Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. It’s wonderful to be here at, uh..
- …fill-in-the-blank college. Home of the fighting, uh, some animal.
- Just a little confidence builder.
- Oh, some of your finest work.
- Why don’t I go upstairs and work on this week’s basketball blooper reel.
- Joey.. …there seems to have been an explosion in your alcove
- which has hurled most of your possessions to the four corners of the living room.
- I’m sorry. I love this machine.
- Look, Danny. I’ll clean up, okay?
- You go work on your blooper reel and, uh..
- …I’ll get back to writing college material. ‘Now get out of here. Go on.’
- Steph, what are you doing?
- I’m practicing for my next honeybee meeting.
- That’s very nice, but I’m trying to rehearse.
- Go ahead. It won’t bother me.
- Hey, Jess, I’m looking for a place to rehearse.
- Good luck.
- Uncle Jesse, I’m trying to do my homework.
- [whispering] Sorry.
- Betcha Chuck Berry didn’t have to live with three nieces.
- Michelle.
- Michelle, are you busy?
- Sorry, I didn’t know you had company.
- Cut it out. You people are too much.. Quit it. Got a..
- Get out of here.
- And now, ladies and gentlemen a dramatic presentation.
- A little something I like to call ode to a fountain.
- Joey, that looks so real.
- Every time I see you do your fountain act I want to throw pennies on your face and make a wish.
- Well, just wish that I do that well on the tour.
- Oh, you’ll be great.
- I finished my homework so you can rehearse in my room. But please don’t spit on my bed.
- Oh, D.J., it’s okay. The garage really isn’t that bad.
- It’s freezing.
- Your wrap, Madame?
- Merci beaucoup.
- Ooh la la.
- I didn’t know you kept your clothes in your car.
- Well, that alcove is so small. But my trunk makes a good closet.
- The worst part, D.J., is not having any privacy.
- I know what you mean.
- I live with a five-year-old who thinks that I was born so that she’d have someone to play with.
- Not that I’m complaining.
- No, of course not.
- D.J., in my pre-alcove days I lived like a king.
- I had my own door four walls and a light switch.
- It was Camelot.
- Not that I’m complaining.
- Well, in my pre-Stephanie days my Bananarama poster didn’t have to share the wall with Rainbow Brite.
- (together) Not that I’m complaining.
- Well, if you need a place to keep your socks my bike basket is all yours.
- Thanks, D.J. But I keep my socks in the glove compartment.
- If you really wanna do me a favor, you can get me
- another glass of water so I can finish washing
- the rest of the car.
- You got it.
- And it was just so sad.
- I mean, there was Joey alone in the cold garage spitting water onto the air..
- …for nobody.
- That is sad.
- Could have been worse. We could’ve had to watch it.
- Right, Michelle?
- Dad, Joey has no place to rehearse. Isn’t there something we can all do to help him?
- What Joey really needs is his own room.
- Yes, you’re right. Joey needs a room. Okay, let’s stop and think about this.
- Darn, no rooms. Oh, well, we thought about it.
- I’m kidding, I’m joking, I..
- See? She knows I’m joking. Huh?
- – Daddy. – What?
- Joey’s not here yet.
- Time out, Stephanie.
- Honey, let’s have a little talk about this lookout thing.
- The key is to let us know when Joey is coming not when Joey is not coming.
- This is harder than I thought.
- No, sweetie, it’s easy. All you have to do is when you see Joey coming you give us the secret code.
- Um, “the duck flies at midnight.”
- “The duck flies at midnight.”
- I should get paid for this.
- Okay, I got this all figured out.
- Now if I move into Michelle’s room
- Joey moves into my room, Michelle moves into the alcove
- and Stephanie gets her very own tent in the backyard.
- I don’t think so.
- Okay, plan B..
- If we put bunk beds in Jesse’s room that means Uncle Jesse and Joey could be roommates.
- Great idea, huh?
- I don’t think so.
- Oh, here you are.
- The duck, the turtle
- the chicken drives to 7-11!
- At midnight.
- (Danny) ‘It’s a new catch phrase.’ All the kids are saying it.
- Well, what’s going on in here?
- Uh, well, w-we’re doing this new family ritual where we sing Michelle to sleep.
- – A new family ritual? – Mm-hmm.
- Why didn’t you guys call me?
- Why didn’t we call.. Well, uh, that’s simple too.
- W-what it is we’re doing this 4-part harmony thing tonight
- and here we go, one, two, three, four..
- We’ve got to get Joey out of that alcove.
- You’re right.
- – Why didn’t– – The duck! The duck!
- ♪ Boil them cabbage down boy ♪ ♪ Turn them cakes brown ♪
- ♪ The only song I have to sing ♪ ♪ Is boil that cabbage down ♪
- Jess, the girls’ after-school activities for the next two weeks are in blue
- except for D.J.’s dental appointment which is in green.
- And I put the cleaning schedule in pink.
- Alex, I’ll take dental appointments for 50.
- Good morning, my friends.
- (together) Good morning. Just in time. We’ve got your eggs.
- We’ve got your bacon, we’ve got your toast we’ve got your milk, we’ve got your orange juice
- and the morning paper sports section on the top.
- It looks like Jesse. It sounds like Jesse.
- I think I’ll keep him.
- Hey, all Hazel’s done so far is make breakfast.
- Well, what do you guys think?
- They’re great. I’ll have seconds.
- Seconds? Okay. Seconds for you and seconds for you, alright? Thanks.
- How come nobody ever asks for a second helping of my eggs?
- So, uh, Jess…did Michelle eat?
- Yeah, like a horse. She’s sleeping it off in her playpen.
- Way to go, Jess.
- I-I’m sorry. I’m late for work.
- Joey, buddy, you are on your way.
- Knock ‘em dead. Blow ‘em away. You’re gonna kill ‘em.
- You’re in a very violent business.
- See you guys later.
- Thanks. Made myself an egg McJesse.
- Alright.
- Did you, uh, think of an alternative to Joey’s alcove problem?
- Oh, not yet. But I stayed up all night thinkin’ about it.
- I thought you had a date.
- Okay, I stayed up all night.
- Well, let’s keep thinking.
- It’s the bus!
- I’m sorry. I forgot to pack your lunches.
- Feed bags, young ladies.
- – Thanks, Uncle Jesse. – You’re welcome.
- – Bye, Joey. Good luck. – Bye.
- Bye, Joey. Have fun.
- We’ll see you in a month.
- Uh, in two weeks.
- Joseph, you better get going, man. You’re gonna be late.
- Now, Jess, remember, I left all the important–
- Joey, we can take care of it.
- – Are you sure? – Yes, we don’t need you.
- Now go, TCB. Take care of business.
- LRN. Leave right now.
- In other words, WAYG? Why aren’t you gone? Go.
- Hi, Michelle.
- Uh-huh. No, I haven’t left yet. But I’m going for two weeks.
- Something’s going on here. I mean, they’re having family rituals without me.
- I can be replaced like that by a rock ‘n’ roll exterminator.
- You know, maybe they don’t need me.
- Yeah, I know. I think you’re the only one who cares about me.
- Here. Give me a kiss.
- Bye, Michelle. Okay. You stay right there.
- Tell everyone I’ll miss them.. ‘…if they care.’ ‘Bye.’
- (man on TV) ‘We’ll be right back’ ‘with Judge Wapner’s decision after this.’
- Hang that dry-cleaner, Judge Wapner, hang him!
- Alright. We got the housework done. Time for a little dessert. Here you go.
- Tut! Who’s your favorite uncle?
- I know, it’s me. Go ahead.
- Alright, you know what time it is, pal? It’s time for a little game
- I like to call, Michelle ball.
- Like this.
- Alright, listen, we’ll go answer the door
- but when we come back you’ll throw me up in the air and blow bubbles on my tummy, okay?
- Get it? Blow bubbles on..
- I’ll get the door.
- – Oh, hi, Joanie. – Hi, Jesse.
- Hi, Michelle. Where’s Joey?
- Joey, uh, well, he’s out of town and I’m taking over for him.
- Oh, good because it’s Joey’s afternoon.
- Joey’s afternoon? For what?
- To watch the kids.
- To watch the kids. The kids!
- I watch Michelle on Tuesdays and the other moms take turns the rest of the week.
- The other moms?
- Yeah. Like Barbara and Janice.
- Barbara and Janice. Barbara!
- Hi, Joanie. Hi, Jesse.
- Hi, Michelle. Hi, Robbie. Hi, everybody.
- ‘Oh, Jesse’ my Robbie doesn’t get along with Barb’s Benji so try
- and keep them separated.
- Oh, and here I thought I’d have nothing to do.
- Hi, Jesse.
- – Hi, Barbara. – Hi, Joanie. Hi, Ryan. Hi, Robbie. Hi, Michelle.
- Thank you very much for coming. Go ahead, my friend.
- Listen, I’m very good with children. You girls go have fun. Have a nice day. Shop, do whatever you do. Come back. Bye.
- (together) Bye! (Jesse) ‘Thank you. Bye-bye, girls!’
- Bye, girls and.. …we thank you.
- Attention, all crumb gobblers.
- Joseph’s out of town. Big J’s in charge here.
- ‘It’s quite simple.’ I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
- The choice is yours.
- Laundry fight!
- Bad choice.
- Listen, I spent all day cleaning. Gentlemen, listen, I think we can sit down and..
- Fellas, I don’t think, really we should throw laundry this afternoon. ‘Thank you, thanks very much. Thank you for that.’
- How would Cosby handle this?
- (D.J.) ‘I miss Joey already.’
- (Stephanie) ‘Yeah, me too.’
- (Jesse) ‘Not like I miss him.’
- Uncle Jesse maybe, we should eat without daddy.
- Sometimes he comes home real late.
- But a family should always eat together.
- Now we’ll give your father five more minutes, okay?
- Could we start on some vegetables?
- Did I say vegetables?
- I must be starving.
- Hi, honey, I’m home.
- Hi, girls.
- (together) Hi, dad.
- I’m sorry, I’m late, at the last minute I had to rush out to Oakland to cover a “Warriors” practice session.
- Traffic was miserable. The camera–
- Give me a break.
- Huh?
- Don’t huh me.
- You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy?
- Well, I didn’t know you–
- I have cleaned the house..
- …and washed and ironed your clothes
- ‘and ran a day care center’ for socially deviant munchkins and missed “Oprah.”
- Ran this one to a ballet lesson this one to the dentist.
- No cavities. Thank you very much.
- Do you realize that I have slaved over a hot stove so you could have a hot meal when you come home? Huh? Hmm-hmm, hmm?
- – Jesse, I’m sorry. – Sorry, ha!
- Sorry. Sorry doesn’t change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined!
- Ruined!
- It’s all dried out.
- But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you’re gonna be 25 minutes late, no!
- Well I am not an animal.
- Oh, my God. What’s happening to me?
- I’m turning into June Cleaver.
- You are a beautiful human being.
- ‘Jesse, the first day is always the toughest.’
- Hey, my sad little soldier this will perk you up.
- I figured out the perfect solution to Joey’s alcove problem.
- I talked to some contractors and during the next two weeks
- we are going to build Joey his own bedroom.
- Good idea!
- Oh, great. Another room for me to clean.
- Uncle Jesse, your chicken’s pretty good.
- Yeah. It’s just a little dry.
- I’m back.
- The duck flies at midnight!
- I got it!
- Okay, everybody be cool. Don’t say a thing.
- Okay. Whose turn is it? What do you got there?
- (Danny) ‘Okay, I’d like to buy Indiana.’
- (Jesse) Alright. $500.
- – Okay? – Okay. Don’t forget the change.
- (Jesse) ‘There you go. Alright, whose turn..’
- Uh, hello.
- – Hi, Joe. – Hi, Joey.
- How did the college tour go?
- Fine. Real good. How did everything go here?
- Oh, real cool. The house is cool, kids are cool. There’s some Peking duck in the fridge for you.
- Just out of curiosity would anybody happen to know where all my stuff is?
- Yeah. We-we moved it down to the garage.
- Oh. I see.
- Well, uh, maybe there’s something else you’d like to tell me, like good-bye.
- Joey.
- Adios? Am-scray?
- – Joey. – Hit the road, Joey.
- Joey, your stuff is in the garage. Go check it out.
- I’ll check it out and then, I’ll pack it up.
- You just threw all my stuff down in the garage? Why didn’t you just fling it out on the front lawn?
- Am I still getting my mail here or did you forward it to the gutter?
- ‘I didn’t demand to move in here.’ I volunteered to help out. If you didn’t need my help all you had to say was..
- …Joey is an idiot.
- I got a bathroom, my jets
- manny, my bed.
- I love it!
- You deserve it!
- How did you guys get my old furniture?
- Your mom.
- What happened to all the junk that was down here?
- Attic.
- Where’s your motorcycle?
- Back yard.
- Hey, where we gonna park our cars?
- Street.
- This was the garage?
- Danny, this must have cost a fortune.
- Don’t ask.
- Joey, you’re my best friend
- and you’re doing me the biggest favor of my life by helping me raise my girls.
- This is just our way of saying thanks.
- No one has ever done anything like this for me before.
- And the best part is as great as my new room is you guys really want me here.
- Are you kidding? You’re a part of our family.
- Face it, pal. You’re a Tanner.
- Welcome home, Joseph. Tomorrow, you’re on the day shift.
- Steph, I got great news. This means you can move into the alcove!
- You’re too good to me. It’s all yours.
- Thanks for the room, everybody.
- Forward your mail to the gutter, huh?
- Fling your stuff on the lawn, huh?
- I was kidding. I’m a comedian. I’m in the kidding business.
- Kid this, buddy.
- 言えた
- みんな 何も言うな
- そっちは何だ
- インディアナを買う
- 500ドルだ
- 釣りはいい
- 次は？
- ただいま
- おかえり
- どうだった？
- 大成功だったよ こっちは？
- 家事も育児も順調だ 北京ダックがあるぞ
- 僕の物は どこにいったか知らない？
- ガレージに移した
- なるほど
- 他に言うことは？ “さよなら”とか
- ジョーイ
- “アディオス”とか
- “出てけ”とか
- 行って見てこいよ
- そのあと 荷造りするよ
- どうせなら 外に投げ出しとけばいいのに
- 僕あての手紙は ドブに捨てた？
- 僕が必要ないなら ハッキリ言えばいい
- “ジョーイはバカだ”って
- バスルームまであるんだ
- 僕のマネキンにベッドも
- いいの？
- 当然だ
- なんで僕の家具が？
- お母さんだ
- ここにあった物は？
- 屋根裏
- バイクは？
- 裏庭
- 車はどこ？
- 道路
- ウソみたいだ
- 高かっただろ？
- 聞かないで
- 君は大切な親友だ
- どれほど助けになってるか
- 感謝のしるしだよ
- こんなことしてもらったのは 初めてだ
- みんなに必要とされてるのが 何よりうれしいよ
- 君は家族の一員だろ？
- タナー家の一人だ
- おかえり 明日の家事は任せた
- これであんたも 階段の下に移れるよ
- 悪いよ お姉ちゃんに譲る
- ありがとう
- 手紙はドブに捨てろ？
- 荷物は外に投げ出せ？
- 冗談言うのが仕事だもん
- よく言うよ
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