- Now, all you have to do is say, “Hello, leave a message
- “and wait for the beep.” Are you ready?
- I’m ready.
- Okay, on your mark..
- …get set, go!
- Hi, people.
- ♪ Twinkle twinkle little star ♪ ♪ How I wonder what you are ♪♪
- Please leave a message after the beep.
- Hey, that was my job.
- [chuckles] Okay, you can do the beep.
- It’s me again. Beep.
- Stop the music. Stop the music. Uncle Jesse, you gotta help me!
- Why? What’s the matter?
- You have to help me practice for my class picture.
- Steph, it’s a week away.
- I know. But don’t you remember last year?
- Right when the photographer said cheese, I sneezed.
- When the picture came out, I was like..
- Oh, yeah. Everybody called you sneezeburger.
- All year.
- Alright, well, this year, you’re gonna flash that picture-perfect smile, alright?
- Get over there. Let’s practice.
- Are you having fun without me?
- Well, I’ll tell you what, you stay right there and I’ll get right to you, okay, young lady?
- Alright, here we go. Show me love. Oh, yes.
- Let the wind blow through your hair. Very nice.
- Be happy. Be happier.
- If I get any happier, my cheeks are gonna pop.
- – My turn. – ‘Alright!’
- Show me love. Let me see your teeth.
- Let me see your teeth. Let me see. Put them together.
- Alright. Let’s see. Here we go, Michelle.
- Okay, here it comes. Here you come.
- Hey-hey. Hey, there you are.
- I got a big mouth.
- Look at this. I did not deserve this traffic ticket. Now my perfect driving record’s ruined.
- Eh, just put it on mine. No one will notice.
- Jesse, don’t do that. This is government paper.
- Now I have to iron it.
- That right-turn-only sign was hidden behind a big bush.
- Dad’s ticket is totally bogus.
- And a humongous injustice.
- I’ll tell you what, I’m gonna fight this thing.
- And D.J., you’re gonna be my star witness in court.
- Hey, can we do it on Wednesday? ‘Cause there’s a math test I’d really like to miss.
- – Hi, everybody. – ‘Hey.’
- Oh, I love you, stretch.
- Thanks to Danny, I have an on-the-air tryout to be the new Mr. Egghead.
- – That’s fantastic. – Alright, great.
- You’re gonna be Mr. Egghead? He’s the smartest person on television..
- …next to Connie Chung.
- Uh, Joey, Mr. Egghead has to know everything about science.
- Well, not that you don’t know everything about science.
- Do you know anything about science?
- What’s the difference is Captain Kangaroo a real captain?
- Hey, he’s not even a real kangaroo.
- Besides, all I have to do is be hip and funny and follow the script.
- And with Jesse as my sidekick, how can I miss?
- That’s right, with Jesse as his side..
- Sidekick?
- Two, one..
- – Sidekick? – Right on time.
- Jess, I just wanna have a-a hip, musical sidekick.
- You know, like David Letterman has Paul Shaffer. Mr. Egghead has The Professor!
- – I don’t do kiddie shows. – Ah, Jess, come on.
- It’s just for the tryout.
- Okay, fine, you don’t wanna be The Professor.
- Just think of all those little kids who will have to learn science without any music.
- Yeah, and they’ll be too sad to play with their pets.. …and all their dogs and cats will run away from home.
- That is the stupidest story I’ve ever heard in my whole life. And besides, guilt doesn’t work on me.
- Okay, then I’m just gonna badger you and pester you until you say you’ll do it.
- Will you do it? Will you do it?
- Will you do it? Will you do it?
- Alright, I’ll do it!
- Alright, if it’ll make you happy.
- Dad, don’t you think that maybe we’re overdoing this blue thing?
- D.J., it’s been psychologically proven.. …that judges are more sympathetic to people wearing blue.
- That’s why you never see a Smurf on death row.
- What a week. Tomorrow’s class picture day. Friday is pizza day in the cafeteria.
- And today, my whole class gets to see Joey on the Mr. Egghead show.
- I love my life.
- This is so cool, I can’t believe someone I actually know is going to have their very own TV show.
- Uh, Steph, honey, uh, I have my own TV show..
- “Wake Up, San Francisco.”
- I know, but this is a show that people I know watch.
- See ya.
- Come on, dad. Let’s practice for court.
- Okay, now, D.J., the first thing they’re gonna do’s swear you in.
- Now, please place your right hand on Fred Savage.
- Anytime.
- – What was that? – Oh, nothing.
- Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
- I Fred, I mean, I do.
- Okay, Miss Tanner, now, please step into the witness stand..
- …and explain to Judge Bear here everything that happened in every detail.
- I will demonstrate with these extremely easy-to-follow visual aids.
- Okay, Miss Tanner.
- My dad and I were driving north on Fremont..
- And my dad was cleaning between the buttons on the car radio.
- Uh, D.J., there’s no need to bring up that minor detail.
- Dad, I can’t lie to the judge.
- Oh, I’m not asking you to lie.
- If the judge asks you directly, “D.J., was your father dusting “between the buttons on the radio?” Then you can say yes.
- Well, we came to a corner and there was a right-turn-only sign.
- Except we couldn’t see it, because of a bush.
- And now our big finish.
- The face of truth and innocence.
- (Jesse) ‘We’re on the air in three, two, one.’
- ♪ Oh hey there Mr. Egghead you scientific dude ♪
- ♪ Whenever you’re around I’m in a scientific mood ♪
- ♪ You tell us how the bird flies ♪ ♪ Or how the fungus grows ♪
- ♪ The creation of the universe ♪ ♪ Or how we blow our nose ♪
- ♪ Yes you know everything ♪
- ♪ Under the sun thank you Mr. Egghead ♪
- ♪ For making learning fun ♪
- ♪ And now here he is ♪
- ♪ The man who knows everything ♪ ♪ Mr. Egghead ♪♪
- Egg-stremely kind of you.
- Thank you, Professor.
- Ain’t no thing, Mr. Egghead.
- Greetings, Junior Eggheads.
- (together) Greetings, Mr. Egghead.
- Welcome to the new, improved, “Mr. Egghead Show.”
- My special guests in the egg carton today
- are from Mrs. Hardesty’s second-grade class at Fraser Street Elementary School.
- Don’t eggs-haust yourself
- because now it’s time for..
- …ask Mr. Egghead!
- Professor, let’s find out who has our first scientific question.
- Yes, the scholarly-looking gentleman, three eggs in.
- What happened to the old Mr. Egghead?
- Well, he’s, uh, on vacation.
- I read in the newspaper that he didn’t pay his taxes.
- Well, he’s on vacation for three to five years.
- And so ends another fascinating segment
- of ask Mr. Egghead.
- And now it’s time to discuss our topic of the day. – Energy. – Alright.
- How about a little energy music, Professor?
- Okay, Mr. Eggroll, Egghead. Sorry.
- Okay, you know what, we’re all wondering what eggs-actly is energy?
- Egg-cellent question, Professor.
- Well, to put it in its simplest terms energy is the ability to do work.
- Energy is all around us.
- Why, energy is in the sun.
- Energy is in our muscles.
- Hey, Mr. Egghead!
- Why, energy is even in Walter.
- Sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been wondering
- if the speed of light is based on the theory that light has a finite velocity
- how would that calculate in a black hole?
- Let’s let the Professor field this one.
- Well, uh, son, I’m gonna tell you the same thing my father told me when I was young.
- Look it up.
- Well put, Professor.
- And now, it’s time to pick one special Junior Egghead..
- to help me with an eggs-periment about energy.
- Oh, here’s a pretty, young Egghead.
- – Thanks, Joey. – It’s Mr. Egghead.
- Hey! They live in the same house. This is a fix.
- (all) Fix! Fix! Fix!
- (all) Fix!
- Don’t egg them on, Professor.
- Young lady, tell everyone your name.
- Stephanie Judith Tanner and I’m very egg-cited to be here.
- Egg-cellent.
- Let’s take a look at how energy works, shall we?
- Now, over here we have your ordinary, run-of-the-mill boxing glove on a spring.
- Now, when I pull the lever and release the spring.. its stored energy becomes kinetic energy
- propelling the boxing glove into Proton, the Clown’s face.
- Now, lovely assistant, pull the lever
- release the energy and learn.
- It’s stuck.
- It is.
- Because, as we say in the laboratory..
- Something’s wrong.
- This never happened to the real Mr. Egghead.
- Walter, why don’t you take a journey through the eggs-it?
- I’ll cover for you, Mr. Egghead.
- Professor, “Tomorrow.”
- ♪ The sun’ll come out ♪ ♪ Tomorrow.. ♪♪
- Steph, I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there.
- Steph, are you okay?
- Steph, say something.
- How..
- …rude?
- I sure wish Stephanie would get home from the doctor.
- Is she getting a lollipop?
- Stephanie’s gonna get anything she wants.
- How is she? Where is she? Is she okay?
- Calm down, Joey. She’s gonna be alright.
- Don’t worry, Joey. It’s just a little broken nose.
- Yeah, the doctor said the splint will be off in a week and she’ll be as good as new.
- Steph, I am so sorry.
- Here, I bought you a little something.
- Thanks, Joey. I know you didn’t mean to break my nose.
- You broke Stephanie’s nose? Go to your room.
- Oh, you’re right. I’ve been bad.
- Joey, she’s 3 years old. She has no authority to punish you.
- I’ll take a picture. Say cheese.
- Oh, no. I forgot. Tomorrow’s class picture day.
- Why me?
- – You forgot your presents! – I don’t want my presents.
- Ooh, happy birthday to me.
- Jess, this is terrible. It’s bad enough I broke her nose. How do I tell Danny?
- Come on, Joey, it was an accident. Besides, he’s your best friend. He’ll understand.
- Well, if your best friend broke your daughter’s nose what would you do?
- I’d kill him.
- I’m home!
- – Hi. – Bye.
- Well, there he is. The man who knows everything. How’d the show go?
- Oh, I-d, I’d rather hear about your day in court.
- While I was pleading my case my meter ran out and they towed my car.
- It cost me 100 bucks to beat a $30 ticket.
- Dad, we can fight this.
- Set it up for a week from Thursday. I have a killer biology test.
- So, Joey, how’d you do on the show?
- Well, for starters, I was booed off the stage and fired.
- – See ya. – Fired? Joey, I was positive you’d be a hit.
- Well, now, there was a hit involved.
- Well, how can I say this? Um..
- Joey broke Stephanie’s nose.
- You broke Stephanie’s nose?
- You better go to your room.
- There is no way I’m going to school tomorrow for picture day.
- Last year I was sneezeburger. This year I’ll be robo-nose.
- Steph, you know dad’s not gonna let you miss school.
- True.
- Ah. But what if I don’t ask him?
- Steph. Oh, honey.
- – Are you okay? – Yep, I’m fine.
- The doctor says I’ll be as good as new in a week.
- Is there anything at all you need?
- Well, I’ve always wanted a big-screen TV.
- Go for it, Steph.
- Michelle, what are you doing in here?
- What are you doing in here?
- Is this what you do every day when I leave for school? Sneak in here and play with my toys?
- Every day.
- Michelle, listen to me.
- I’m ditching school because I’m not taking my class picture with this thing on my nose.
- But you can’t tell anyone I’m home.
- – Pinky swear? – Pinky swear.
- Okay, now. You have to do me a favor.
- Go downstairs to the kitchen and get me something to eat.
- And if anyone asks who the food is for
- you say, nobody.
- – Got it? – Got it, dude.
- Mm. I’m a good cook.
- Michelle, you just ate breakfast.
- This is not for me.
- – Well, then who is it for? – Nobody.
- Michelle, this sandwich is inside out.
- You’re supposed to say, thank you.
- – ‘Michelle!’ – Oh, no. It’s Joey.
- Remember, I’m not here.
- Oh, Michelle. You are gonna make such a mess up here.
- Too late.
- Hey, you, doggy. That’s for nobody.
- Oh, hi, Joey. I was just testing my new glow-in-the-dark shoelaces.
- Out.
- Steph, why aren’t you in school?
- Joey, please don’t make me go to school like this.
- You already broke my nose on TV. Now you’re gonna make me be teased for a whole year?
- What did I ever do to you? All I did was love you.
- Oh, you never have to go to school again.
- Stephanie, what are you doing here?
- Joey says I never have to go to school again!
- Jess, look, she’s way too embarrassed to get her picture taken like this. We’ll write her a little note, Danny will never know.
- Works for me.
- Now, Stephanie.
- Pal, you’re only in the second grade once.. …hopefully.
- Now, a class picture is something you can treasure forever.
- If you miss that picture, you may regret it for the rest of your life.
- I’m willing to take that chance.
- Let me put it another way. You’re going to school.
- – But, Uncle– – I don’t want any buts. Now, go downstairs and wait for me.
- – Okay, I’ll go. – Alright.
- But I’m not gonna smile.
- – This is all my fault. – Yes, it is.
- – Thanks for the pep talk. – Come on, Joey, grow up, man.
- Feeling guilty’s not gonna help anybody.
- Oh, great, now I’m feeling guilty about feeling guilty.
- Joseph, snap out of it. You’re a comedian.
- You’re supposed to make people laugh at their troubles.
- There’s a little girl downstairs who I know could use a laugh.
- Ain’t you gonna go down there and take care of business or you’re gonna stay up here and wallow in your self-pity?
- Just give me one more wallow.
- – Joey, what are you doing here? – Waiting for Steph.
- Come on, everybody’s ready to take the class picture.
- Do I have to? I’m gonna look so silly.
- You’re not gonna look any sillier than the rest of the class.
- (all) Hi, Stephanie.
- Alright. This is great.
- And I got you a pair too. Now, go take that picture.
- Thanks, Mr. Egghead.
- – Thanks, Professor. – Hmm.
- Joseph, this is one of the stupidest ideas
- you’ve ever had.. And one of the best.
- Good job.
- Okay, everybody. One, two, three, smile.
- And now one without the glasses.
- Yeah, what the heck.
- Alright, everyone say the secret word and of course, that word would be
- uh, well, uh, cheese.
- (all) Cheese!
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