- I really hope so.
- Well, don’t worry. We’re gonna make you look like a movie star.
- Go take a look.
- (D.J.) ‘What do you think?’
- No good. I look like me.
- Doing her hair was so much easier when she was a baby.
- I know. She was bald.
- Now I’m a movie star.
- Let’s go see grandma.
- Right behind you, Zsa Zsa.
- Well, Cynthia, it sounds like this year’s Festival of Cultural Arts is gonna be the best yet.
- Well, we certainly hope so. We’ll have opera, ballet and plenty of free parking.
- Oh, how can it miss with someone like Cynthia Ryan in charge?
- Just look how she’s put together.
- Excuse me?
- Oh, I mean, you put together this fabulous Festival of Culture.
- [chuckles] Not that you’re not put together
- because you are definitely..
- …Rebecca, tell me we’re out of time.
- Mm, you’re in luck. We’re outta time.
- Great, well, I would like to thank our guest, Cynthia Ry–
- – Oh! – Gosh, I’m so sorry. I just, I was uncrossing my legs. I’m sorry.
- Well, while Danny blots our guest I’d just like to say, I’m Rebecca Donaldson.
- And I’m a total disgrace. We’ll see you Monday.
- Right here on “Wake Up, San Francisco.”
- [sighs] Hey, Beck. I fixed your car. I changed the oil, I changed the filter
- and I changed the stations on the radio. You had two of ‘em set to the news.
- Well, Danny, Rebecca, thanks for the plug.
- I’ll see you Monday night at the party.
- – Okay. – Uh, Cynthia, here’s an idea.
- Um, why don’t, uh, we go to the party together as a couple?
- Not a serious couple, just you know a couple of people going to a party.
- That sounds great.
- What’s the story with this party?
- Oh, you’re invited too. It’s a kick off of The Festival of Cultural Arts.
- It’ll be great, it’s gonna be an evening of Tennyson, Mozart, Shakespeare.
- Ah, Beck, you know me, I-I don’t like sitting around chitchatting about a bunch of dead guys.
- Elvis is a dead guy.
- That’s never been proven.
- Come on, Jesse, it’ll be fun.
- You can meet my old English professor, Dr. Eric Trent.
- He’s fascinating, he can talk about Elizabethan poetry for hours.
- They’ll be scalping tickets for that one.
- You know, Jess, it wouldn’t hurt you to meet some people
- who can talk about things besides rock ‘n’ roll and motorcycles.
- Ah, that’s all you think I know about?
- That’s not what I said.
- No, that’s what you meant, young lady.
- Let me tell you somethin’, I may’ve little grease under my finger nails but I can hold my own with any of those artsy smartsy dudes.
- Great, then you’ll come to the party. You need a tuxedo and, uh
- you might wanna start washing up now.
- Hey, Joey, what’s for dinner?
- [speaking in Italian accent] Thin strands of pasta
- with petite spheres of beef in a light tomato sauce.
- – Spaghetti again? – Spaghetti again?
- Mm, “basketti.”
- No, Michelle, that’s “spaghetti.”
- That’s what I said. Basketti.
- Wanna play “Michellophone”?
- What’s that?
- It’s when you whisper stuff in Michelle’s ear and then laugh when it comes out her mouth, watch.
- You got chicken legs.
- Let me try that.
- You’re a cheese-head.
- How rude!
- Hi, Steph, hi, Michelle, hi, D.J., hey, Joey.
- Bye, Joey, bye, D.J., bye, Michelle, bye, Steph.
- Uh, girls, I’ll be right back. You keep an eye on the “basketti.”
- Jess, what’re you doing with all the books?
- Can’t a man go to the library and check out a classical selection of literature for a weekend of good reading?
- Who are you, and what did you do with Jesse?
- Ah, Joey, I got roped into this cultural party thing this weekend.
- And, you know, I never went to college so I figured I might as well bone up so I won’t look like a bonehead.
- Jess, this is great. I’m very proud of you.
- Pretty soon you’re gonna be smart. So.
- ♪ You will not be just a nothin’ ♪
- ♪ Your head all full of stuffin’ your heart all full of pain ♪
- ♪ With the thoughts you’ll be thinkin’ ♪ ♪ You could be another Lincoln ♪ ♪ If you only had a brain ♪♪
- I’ll get you, and your little dog too.
- Cynthia, I’d like to introduce you to my daughters.
- – This is D.J. – Hi! It’s nice to meet you.
- – Hello. – That is Stephanie.
- It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- [laughs] And this is my littlest, Michelle.
- Hi-ya, cheese-head.
- – Cheese what? – Cheese-head.
- [chuckles] Isn’t that cute? It’s her very first insult.
- Girls, you shouldn’t teach this kind of stuff to your sister.
- Now when I get home from this party tonight I want my sweet little Michelle back to normal, okay?
- – Okay. – Okay, chicken legs.
- I’m sorry about that cheese-head remark. Actually, in Wisconsin, cheese-head is a compliment.
- Oh, what did she just sit on?
- Please, turn it off.
- Here. It’s every penny I have.
- Alright. Alright.
- Becky’s got me going to this cultural party and I wanna look smart, you know, so I’ve been listening to
- opera, and, you know, studying art and..
- …well, look at this, I even put some posters up.
- I’ve got Van Gogh, Monet, “Sammet.”
- You read all those books in two days?
- Well, no, but I read these.
- Plato, “The Republic.” Kafka, “The Metamorphosis”
- and “Is That You, Big Guy? Sightings of Elvis.”
- And how are you gonna read all these books before the party?
- Well, ur, I, see, I have this figured out.
- What we’re gonna do here is I’ll just read the beginning and ends of each book, right? “A Tale of Two Cities.”
- “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
- “It is far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.”
- Whoa! Surprise ending.
- Girls, I can’t go through with this. I gotta think of one good excuse not to go to this party.
- One O two! Wow!
- – I’ll be okay. – Jess.
- You wouldn’t be trying to get out of the party tonight, would you?
- Oh, no, no, no, I’ll go to the party tonight
- then I’ll go to the hospital tomorrow.
- I know what you’re saying. “Jesse, don’t be a hero. Stay in bed and..”
- Actually, I better do that. I’ll-I’ll go to bed.
- Could you point me to my room? I’m a little..
- Thanks a lot, Jess.
- – Eric! – Becca!
- Danny, Cynthia, this is Dr. Eric Trent. Eric was my favorite professor.
- Ah, Rebecca was my favorite student.
- And Jesse’s her favorite boyfriend. Hi, that’s me.
- – Well, we should be going. – I’ll get your coat.
- Right this way.
- – Oh, this is a nice coat. – Oh.
- I’m terribly sorry. Why don’t I just throw it up in the air and you run under it.
- While I take care of the coat, you can get the door.
- Goodnight, Jess.
- Oh, I forgot. You’re sick. Feel better, sweetheart.
- Eric, I will never forget that seminar you gave on the romantic poets.
- You were inspiring.
- Uh, well, I don’t remember the seminar but I do remember you.
- – Ha, ha, Jackie. – Ha, ha, “Jesse,” you..
- I’m going to that party.
- Alright, Joey, you gotta help me. ‘Cause I’m going to that party, I don’t wanna look dumb in front of Becky.
- It’s gonna be a roomful of champions from “Jeopardy” and I’m from “The Price is Right.”
- Relax, Jess. I’ll help you out.
- I did more in college than goof off, chase girls and party. I was in a fraternity too.
- Now, let’s start with literature.
- Greatest novel ever written?
- You say, “I consider it a toss up between War and Peace and Crime and Punishment.”
- Ooh, the thickest ones. Very impressive. What else you got?
- Well, if people are discussing classic cinema, you say
- “Citizen Kane is certainly in a class by itself.”
- “Citizen Kane.” Oh, I saw that movie. The, uh, fat dude was in it, right?
- Here’s a little intellectual hint.
- Never refer to Mr. Welles as “the fat dude.”
- Alright. Okay. I’m feeling smarter already.
- – What else you got? – ‘Shakespeare trivia.’
- In all the original stage productions
- the women’s parts were actually played by men.
- Oh, you mean like that weird show we saw in Vegas?
- You might wanna stay away from Shakespeare.
- Right. Alright, Joey, I gotta go.
- You sure all this stuff’s gonna get me through this party?
- Well, if anything else comes up, just take your glasses and say
- “Interesting, but terribly overrated.”
- Let me try that. Okay.
- Interesting, but terribly overrated.
- Congratulations, Jess. You are now a sophisticated intellectual.
- (male #1) ‘”And in the end’
- “Only the hunger..
- ‘”The hunger’
- The hungry, hungering..
- …hunger.”
- What are you doing?
- You don’t wanna know.
- Hello. Hi. How’re you? Nice to see you all.
- Good evening. Hi. Evening.
- Evening. Enchanted, hi. Nice to see you.
- Nice to see you. Nice to see both of you.
- Hi, Becky, how very nice it is to see you. How’re you?
- Professor Trent. Charmed, I’m sure.
- [chuckles] Jess, honey, I thought you were sick.
- Oh, the bacteria hasn’t been born that can keep me away from intellectual conversation.
- – Pardon me. – Oh, ah, my good man.
- We were just about to discuss the cinema.
- – We were? – Yes.
- Wouldn’t you say that “Citizen Kane” was the finest film ever made?
- Absolutely.
- May I check your overcoat, sir?
- Speaking of literature, wouldn’t you say the two finest books ever written
- …would happen to be “Crime and War”
- and “Peace and Punishment?”
- I think you have transposed the titles
- of “War and Peace” and “Crime and Punishment.”
- Inadvertently.
- No, you see, you missed the joke. I transposed them quite “vertently.”
- – Jess, can I talk to you? – Excuse me, gents.
- What are you doing?
- I’m chewing the fat with your egghead buddies.
- And let me tell you something, they dig me.
- Has anybody seen the new Picasso exhibit at the Museum of Modern Art?
- Oh, I hardly doubt it’s worth the journey. I find Picasso to be..
- …interesting, but terribly overrated.
- You can’t be serious.
- Just consider Picasso’s blue period.
- Yeah, well, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. I just think he should have used more colors.
- Jesse, I’m curious, uh.
- Where did you go to college?
- Oh, yeah, I-I went to college back East.
- Way back East.
- They’re out of business now.
- I can see why.
- What’s that supposed to mean?
- Which word didn’t you understand?
- I’ll tell you which word I didn’t understand.
- Excuse us, Eric.
- Jesse, you are making a fool of yourself.
- Oh, and he’s a genius? You th…watch this.
- Yo, brain wave.
- What’s the horsepower of a Harley-Davidson Ultra 1340 cc?
- Eighty-five.
- Lucky guess. Who wrote “Hound Dog”?
- Leiber and Stoller.
- – How tall is Sammy Davis, Jr.? – Five-three.
- – You wanna arm wrestle? – Excuse me?
- You wanna arm wrestle? You heard me. Right here and now.
- That seems a trifle absurd.
- Why? Are you a trifle chicken?
- Jesse Katsopolis, you are not arm wrestling at this party and that is final.
- – Yes, I am. – You’re not.
- Haven’t you embarrassed yourself enough for one evening?
- The only guy who’s gonna be embarrassed is you, pal.
- I can see you’re not going to let this go.
- No, I’m not, blondie.
- – Jesse. – Hold this.
- – What’s going on? – Ah, oh, nothing.
- Just the traditional arm wrestle to kick off culture week.
- Maybe later we can all go down to the museum for the big tractor pull.
- Go!
- Get him, Jesse, get him.
- I mean, “How incredibly barbaric!”
- Will you knock it off?
- You’re strong but you don’t know much about the principle of leverage.
- You see, my arm acts as the lever
- my elbow, the fulcrum, Jackie.
- It’s Jesse!
- You see that? I beat him!
- Congratulations. You behaved like a total jerk.
- – Excuse me. – Oh, I’m a jerk, huh?
- – Oh, Jesse, please. – Why don’t you just admit it? You think I’m stupid, don’t you?
- That makes absolutely no sense.
- – Oh, so, now, I make no sense. – No.
- – Now you’re being stupid. – Let me tell you something.
- You think you’re so hot with your little stuffy friends around here.
- – These are nice people. – Okay, fine, fine.
- They’re nice people, you stay here with your nice people.
- But let me tell you something, you stay and you talk about art you talk about culture, you talk about Shakespeare.
- Let me tell you something about your pal Shakespeare, okay? Anybody who makes men dress up like women that’s where I draw the line!
- Okay, Michelle, let’s try it again.
- Now, tell Stephanie she’s a very sweet girl.
- You’re a cheese-head.
- You’re not laughing.
- We shouldn’t have taught you to say mean things. Because it can hurt other people’s feelings.
- Tell you what, before we go to bed let’s all say something really nice to each other.
- I’ll go first.
- – I love you, Michelle. – I love you, D.J.
- I love you too, Michelle.
- I love you, Stephanie.
- Aw, that’s my sweet little sister.
- I love you, table.
- – I love you, chair. – That’s really good, Michelle.
- Now why don’t you go into your room and tell all your furniture that you love it
- and we’ll be right there to tuck you in.
- I love you, door.
- I love you, Uncle Jesse.
- Right back at you, kid.
- Uncle Jesse, are you sad?
- Yeah, I guess, I’m a little sad, kid.
- Mm. Thank you, Michelle. I needed that.
- [sighs] Listen, don’t grow up and be stupid like your Uncle Jesse, okay?
- – Okay. – I want you to be smart. I want you to go to college.
- I want you to learn everything you can learn, alright?
- Now, let me hear those ABCs I taught you, okay? Ready? Go!
- ♪ Next time won’t you sing with me ♪♪
- Yeah, next time I’ll sing with you.
- You’re very smart, Michelle.
- You’re smart too.
- Hey, if I was so smart, I wouldn’t have blown it with Becky and I, you know what I mean?
- I know.
- [sighs] I should straighten this out with Becky.
- – Right? – Right.
- I should tell her exactly what’s in my heart?
- – Right. – Right.
- I should, I should find a special way to do it, right?
- Thanks for the talk, Michelle. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t home tonight.
- – I love you, sweetheart. – I love you, cheese-head.
- Did she just call me cheese-head?
- ♪ Tell me how it feels ♪
- ♪ To know love is real ♪
- ♪ I still can’t believe ♪
- ♪ My love for you is so strong ♪
- ♪ I belong to you ♪
- ♪ I belong to you ♪
- ♪ I belong to you ♪
- ♪ For all time ♪
- ♪ I belong to you ♪♪
- Oh, Jess, that was beautiful.
- I wrote it for you tonight.
- I loved it.
- Oh, Becky.
- Freeze, Romeo.
- – About tonight. – Was I that bad?
- Jesse, you were arm wrestling at the arts festival!
- I’m surprised you didn’t yell “Food fight” and start flinging the pate.
- Well, I’m sorry I embarrassed you.
- It’s just that there’s this whole other side of your life that-that I’m not part of.
- Tonight I-I felt that I wasn’t good enough for you.
- I can’t compete with all those smart people.
- – It’s not a competition. – Yes, it is.
- I’m afraid some guy who wrote a book or some guy who read a book is gonna come and sweep you off your feet.
- I don’t know if I’m smart enough for you.
- How can you say that?
- Well, you know, I never went to college.
- So what?
- Jesse, just because you missed out on some formal education doesn’t mean you’re not intelligent.
- Look at everything you’ve accomplished on your own.
- You’re a success in advertising.
- You wrote a beautiful love song for me in one night that touched my heart.
- And your smartest move yet was you picked me for your girlfriend.
- You know, when I was cramming for this party, I.. …I read a few of those books and they were
- pretty good, you know. Plato, a nice Greek kid.
- I think maybe I’ll-I’ll read some more and…maybe you and I can talk about it.
- Okay, that’s great, Jess.
- Challenge yourself. Enrich your life.
- But do it for you, not for me.
- You never have to be anyone but the sweet, caring, sensitive lunatic I fell in love with.
- I have no choice. You leave me no choice.
- Have mercy!
- 今夜 書いた
- 感動よ
- ベッキー
- 待って ロミオ
- さっきのこと ひどかった？
- 芸術祭で腕相撲するなんて
- 次はパイの投げ合いかと 思ったわ
- 困らせてごめん
- 君が違う世界の人に 思えたんだ
- 俺はふさわしくない気がした
- インテリには勝てない
- 勝ち負け？ そうさ
- 本を書いたり読むやつに 君を取られる気がする
- 俺は君ほど賢くない
- なぜ分かるの？
- 高卒だし…
- だから？
- 大学へ行ってなければ 賢くないわけ？
- あなたには才能があるわ
- 広告で成功してるし―
- 私の心を動かす歌を 一晩で作れる
- 私を彼女にしたのが 特に賢明ね
- パーティーに行くために 少し本を読んだけど―
- 面白かったよ プラトンは いいこと言う
- もっと いろいろ読んで 君と話し合いたい
- そうね いいことよ
- 内面を豊かにするの
- あなた自身のために
- 優しくて温かくて正直な あなたを愛してるわ
- これだけ言わせてくれ
- たまんねえ
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