- Anything that’s not a consonant.
- D.J. what’s a consonant?
- Anything that’s not a vowel.
- I think it’s time for me to work on my math.
- Hey, Steph, can I use your calculator?
- Hey, take a hike, toots.
- A simple “No” would have been fine.
- [whistles] I’m a pretty bird, and you’re not.
- Wow. What a beautiful parrot.
- He must be lost.
- Easy, Comet. Don’t scare the bird.
- I think the bird is safe for now.
- ♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
- Oh, I’ll tell you the worst comedy club I ever played.
- The Giggle Barn.
- Fort Dodge, Iowa I played it.
- Hey, did the dancing chicken open for you?
- [chuckles] Yep, the chicken killed, I laid the egg.
- So, you ready to meet the family? I’ve told ‘em everything about you.
- Uh-oh.
- What exactly did you tell them?
- Well, nothing bad. Just that we’ve been goin’ out for a couple of weeks
- and that you’re the funniest person they’ll ever meet in their whole entire lives.
- [sighs] You told them that I’m funny? That was what I was afraid of.
- Well, you are funny. What’s wrong with that?
- Well, yeah, to you and to my friends and on stage.
- But whenever I’m around new people and they expect me to be funny
- I get all flustered and nervous. I clam up.
- I sweat in places I didn’t even know had glands.
- [chuckles] Glands see? Glands are funny. Just relax, okay?
- Gosh, I can’t believe the chicken was funnier than you.
- You’re such a goofball.
- [imitates Cowardly Lion] Aw, shucks. Ha-ha.
- Put ‘em up, put ‘em up.
- Oh, look at this.
- Oh, man, you guys are doing such a good job with the laundry, I have a little surprise for you.
- I’m gonna let you help me shelf paper the shelf paper shelf.
- Oh, you’re in for fun.
- Oh, Roxy, uh, this is my best pal in the whole world
- and Mildew’s number one enemy, Danny Tanner.
- Danny, Roxy. Roxy, Danny.
- Nice to meet you, Danny.
- Oh, it’s, uh-it’s, uh.. Wait one sec here. There we are. It’s really, really nice to meet you.
- Joey has just been telling all of us that you’re the funniest woman in the world.
- Well, you know how wacky Joey is.
- No, uh… how wacky is he?
- Well, he’s..
- …just incredibly wacky.
- That’s, uh, that’s pretty wacky.
- So, are you hungry? I got three kinds of tuna.
- Thanks.
- See? I told you Joey, I was so nervous I couldn’t think of anything funny.
- Oh, don’t worry about it. You’ll get him next time.
- Just how long are you gonna wear that thing on your head?
- Till the hot oil treatment reaches full scalp saturation. It says right here.
- You look like a pan of jiffy pop.
- Uh, Beck, Mr. Baked potato head, this is Roxy.
- Uh, Mr. Baked potato head?
- – What? – Roxy.
- Oh, hi. I had company I didn’t even..
- I didn’t even know.
- Uh-uh, I guess I should explain the, uh, thing.
- Uh…my, uh, my-my hairdresser, Alejandro
- uh, he found a-a couple of split ends.
- It’s a terrible thing.
- So, he figures we can fix this
- with about six hours of hot oil treatment and a lot of words of encouragement.
- And if you could, uh, swing by the church on the way home
- and light a candle for my hair that wouldn’t hurt either.
- Well, Roxy, it’s so nice to finally meet you. Joey keeps telling us how funny you are.
- Really? I’ll have to thank him later.
- So, uh, how did you get started in comedy?
- Well, I don’t know. I guess I just come from a funny family.
- Really?
- How funny were they?
- Well, um..
- …they were so funny that..
- …we laughed regularly.
- Really?
- Well, you know, that’s good. You know, when it comes to laughing it’s good to be regular.
- I got a funny hat..
- …like daddy.
- Hey, boys, boys, boys. We have a guest. It’s-It’s not polite to wear underwear on your head.
- Look at your head.
- Uh, well, okay, foil’s acceptable.
- Boys, hand over the BVD berets.
- (together) No.
- Come back here.
- (Danny) ‘Hey, uh…girls.’ First, I’d like to introduce you to Joey’s friend Roxy.
- And now I’d like to ask you why do you have a parrot on your shoulder?
- He flew right in the window. He must be lost.
- Buy now, pay later. Buy now, pay later.
- Hey, I know this bird. That’s Little Sid from Big Sid’s electronics barn. He does all those commercials.
- I’ll bet you Big Sid’s offering a big reward for him.
- Cool. I could use some mall money.
- Or me. I saw him first.
- He pooped on my bed.
- G-girls, girls, girls.
- We have company.
- Oh, excuse us. We’re really glad to meet you.
- Joey told us how funny you are.
- Yeah, he’s been spreading the word.
- Could you tell us a joke?
- Well, let me see, um–
- I have one. Say, “Knock, Knock.”
- Knock, knock.
- Who’s there?
- Oh, I’m supposed to do the funny part.
- Oh, I’m supposed to do the funny part who?
- Gee, will you look at the time? Um, I’ve got an audition. I don’t wanna be late.
- I don’t get it.
- I’ll-I’ll walk you out.
- Oh, that’s okay. That’s okay.
- Okay. Good luck.
- Have a great audition.
- Just don’t use that “Knock, knock” joke.
- Bye.
- Oh, you guys, I know she wasn’t funny just now but she was really nervous about meeting all of you.
- Oh, no, Joey, everything is okay. She seemed really nice.
- Yeah, she seemed very nice.
- Yeah but you can’t really know her until you see how funny she is. You guys have to see her in her element.
- Uh, Sunday night is comedy night at The Smash Club. Why don’t you guys come and watch her act?
- Uh-oh, okay. You know, we’ll make a night of it.
- Great.
- – Yeah, it’ll be fun. – Cool.
- Give me a cracker, fat head.
- Yeah and why don’t we leave Little Sid at home?
- So, I’ll need the two-hour dust buster battery. Thanks.
- – Hey, dad. – ‘Hey.’
- – Hi, dad. – Hey. So, how did it go? Two Sid’s have a happy reunion?
- Oh, you should’ve seen the flapping and squawking.
- Yeah. And the bird was pretty excited, too.
- Yeah, and we got a great reward. Big Sid said we could get one thing from his catalog.
- So, obviously, we’re gonna go for the big screen TV.
- Not so obviously.
- We already have a TV. What we need is a karaoke machine.
- I always wanted one of those.
- What is it?
- Well, a karaoke machine plays music and shows you the words so you can sing along.
- I knew it sounded cool.
- No, what sounds cool is “55 inches of pure viewing pleasure.”
- What do you think, Steve?
- Well, you know, those karaoke machines are a lot of fun.
- Of course, nothing can possibly beat
- the thrill of watching Willard Scott
- bigger than life right in your own living room.
- I’m just gonna flip through the catalog right over here.
- Okay, I want the big screen TV and you want the karaoke machine.
- Let’s decide this fairly.
- I’m older. TV. Case closed.
- You can’t do that. Dad, can she do that?
- She can’t do that.
- Dad says you can’t do that.
- Okay Michelle, sweetie, it’s up to you. You have the deciding vote here.
- – Michelle? – Michelle?
- Yeah, the little blonde that lives upstairs?
- That would be me.
- Kimmy, you got table six.
- No way. I don’t want those losers.
- They complain, they’re horrible tippers. And they treat me like a slave girl.
- Fine, I’ll take ‘em.
- Hi. What can I get you?
- I hope your family likes me tonight. I worked them into the act.
- That is so great. They’re gonna love that.
- Okay, enough of that. Enough of that. You ready?
- Well, it’s now or never.
- Actually, it’s-it’s now.
- Hey, boss man, we’re out of napkins.
- Oh, well, alright, I’ll take care of it. Run along, Kimmy. Get lost.
- Okay, thanks for the pep talk. You’re a real motivator.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Welcome to comedy night here at The Smash Club.
- Uh, now I have an announcement to make. In our ongoing effort to preserve the environment
- uh, we’re doing away with all paper napkins. It’s “Use your sleeve night” here at The Smash Club.
- Okay, thanks.
- Now, uh, now up
- is-is a very funny and talented young lady. Let’s give a big hand for Roxy Mardin.
- Well, thank you. Thank you.
- Well, I’m in a great mood tonight ‘cause I’m in a new relationship.
- Hi, Joey.
- You know, my friends always ask me “How can you go out with a guy who’s so obsessed with cartoons?”
- I say, “Hey, there’s more to Joey “than silly voices and impressions
- there’s also rude noises.”
- He brought the family down tonight. Guys, guys, take a bow. Stand up, take a bow.
- I’m sure you recognize Danny Tanner and Rebecca Donaldson from “Wake up, San Francisco.”
- I’ve seen that show. Go back to bed, San Francisco.
- Oh, unfortunately, when you meet them in person there’s no mute button.
- Danny has three daughters D.J., Stephanie, and Michelle. And you know, they have fights that most sisters have.
- You know, eye gouging, hair pulling
- an occasional ball-peen hammer to the head.
- They’re like the three stooges in panty hose.
- Michelle, that’s not funny.
- She’s making us look like dorks.
- The nerve.
- And what can I say about Jesse? He has great hair.
- He also has enough oil on his head to join OPEC.
- You know the spill last summer? That was Jesse rinsing out his comb.
- Hey, I told you guys she’s funny. She’s killing up there.
- And you’re not laughing.
- No, we’re not.
- But thanks for inviting us, Joey. What do you have planned for us next? The beating in the parking lot?
- Whoa, thank you, thank you.
- Okay, boys, you ready? We’re gonna make animals out of this Play-Doh, okay.
- Here’s your animal. There you go.
- Where’s Toey?
- Well, honey, Joey has a new friend and he’s been spending a lot of time with her.
- We want Toey! We want Toey!
- We want Toey! – We want Toey! – We want Toey!
- Alright, okay.
- Alright, boys, I know. I know, I know. You like making animals with Joey because he makes all the funny noises.
- But hey, your old man’s been known to make a few funny noises in his time.
- Did you know that?
- Alright, you guys, give me an animal. Jus-jus-just give me any animal right off the top of your head. Go ahead, shoot.
- Hippopotamus.
- Okay, alright. I-I’ll.. I’ll try to doing a hippopotamus.
- Hey.. I’m a big, fat, muddy hippopotamus.
- -We want Toey! -We want Toey! – We want Toey! – We want Toey!
- – We want Toey! – We want Toey!
- – Yay! – Yay!
- Oh, Joey, thank goodness you’re here. We really could use your help.
- Jesse’s hippo is kind of lame-o.
- I’ll play with you guys later.
- Well, it took a couple of days but I see you got your sense of humor back.
- Come on, Joey. Roxy , uh, she ambushed us up there on that stage.
- Right, Danny?
- Uh, I wouldn’t say ambush so much as bushwhacked.
- Come on, Danny.
- Ah, sorry. Maybe I’ll just press my mute button.
- You guys don’t understand. When a comic makes a joke about you it’s the highest compliment.
- Well, Joey, she really embarrassed us. And we didn’t think it was funny.
- Well, if you don’t think she’s funny that’s the same as saying you don’t like her.
- Is that what you guys are saying?
- (Joey) ‘Alright, fine.’ No, I get it.
- Well, I don’t know how to tell you guys this but if you don’t wanna be around her you’re not gonna be around me.
- Joey. Joey.
- Alright, maybe, maybe we were oversensitive about a couple of points.
- Yeah, maybe Roxy shouldn’t have made fun of the girls.
- I was talking about my hair.
- Joey, if Roxy’s important to you she’s important to us.
- Yeah. You know what, buddy, let’s give it another shot. What do you say we invite her over for dinner tonight, huh?
- – It’s a good idea. – Yeah.
- – You sure? – Absolutely.
- [imitates Ren] Oh, Stimpy, you couldn’t make me happier if you spanked me with a big, wet waffle.
- Well, this should be interesting. Roxy’s coming over for dinner.
- What the heck are we gonna make for her?
- Anything but.. [imitates Ren] …big, wet waffles.
- Hey, what are you watching?
- Cartoons.
- Oh, yeah, it is.
- Yeah, everything looks so small I thought it was a commercial for an ant farm.
- Imagine having a big screen TV.
- You know, you could watch “Tiny Toons” and everything wouldn’t look so tiny.
- What are you doing?
- Just talking to my sister.
- I know what you’re up to. You’re trying to talk Michelle into the big screen TV.
- So what if I am? You’re working on her day and night.
- Yeah right, like I’m sitting there at 3:00 in the morning whispering in her ear
- “Karaoke machine, karaoke machine.”
- That was you.
- Big screen.
- – Karaoke. – Big screen.
- – Karaoke. – Big screen.
- Dad! Please!
- Help! Help! Please!
- What’s the matter, honey?
- Make the voices stop!
- Alright, D.J., Stephanie move away from your sister.
- Okay, sweetheart, we’re gonna settle this once and for all.
- I’m taking you down to Big Sid’s and you and you alone are gonna make the decision, okay?
- Without Siskel and Ebert screaming in your ear.
- Okay, quick. Get in the car. Go, go, go, go.
- Uh, Not another word. Get in the car, Michelle. I’m coming.
- – Karaoke. – Big screen.
- D.J., Stephanie, we’re back.
- Did you get the big screen?
- Karaoke?
- Nope.
- Well.. …Michelle finally found something that she liked.
- – That’s it? – Pretty cool, huh?
- What were you thinkin’?
- I decided this is something we can all enjoy.
- I’m sorry, girls. It was Michelle’s decision. Personally, I-I lobbied for the washer-dryer.
- This way we could always remember Little Sid.
- Big Sid’s kind of cute, too.
- – Hey. – Hey. What’s Big Sid doin’ here?
- He lives here now.
- Well, I guess we could prop it up in the window and scare the heck out of the Amway lady.
- Okay, that would be Joey and Roxy. Now guys, we wanna be really nice to her, okay.
- But, dad, she insulted us.
- I know that, but Joey really cares about her. We gotta give her a second chance, okay.
- Let’s just be good sports and show her somehow that we really like her.
- How do we do that?
- Well, I guess a good way would be to laugh at all of her jokes.
- What if they’re not funny?
- Laugh anyway.
- No, your dad’s right. If we wanna keep Joey we’re gonna have to laugh like we’ve never laughed before.
- What was that?
- I never laughed like that before.
- Why are we doing this? They don’t like me.
- Oh, no. They just don’t know you like I know you. You gotta give ‘em another chance.
- I just don’t wanna bomb with your family again.
- Well, then this time.. …don’t worry about being funny.
- Just be open and honest and everything will work out just fine.
- Are you sure?
- Of course, I’m sure.
- Well, then again, I was sure that the Chicken McLiver was gonna take off.
- Alright, my famous fried chicken. Mmm.
- (Jesse) ‘That looks good for us.’
- Oh, everybody, look who’s here.
- Hey, Roxy. I hope you like chicken.
- Oh, I’m a big chicken person.
- Big chicken person. You-you’re quick, young lady. You really are.
- Well, I’m glad you guys are still talkin’ to me after what happened the other night at the club.
- I forget sometimes that a joke can hurt as much as slamming your finger in a car door.
- Car door.
- That is funny, funny stuff.
- I think what Roxy’s trying to say is that she would never say anything to hurt anyone because she knows how it feels.
- It’s true. When I was a little girl people used to make fun of my voice.
- Other kids used to call me “Squeaky.”
- Oh, squeaky. I have to remember that one.
- What is wrong with you guys?
- Nothing. We’re just laughing at squeaky’s jokes.
- Roxy’s not trying to tell jokes. She’s trying to be open and honest with you.
- I’m sorry.
- We thought that you were being funny. We were just trying to show you that we like you.
- By laughing at her?
- Oh, Joey you made it seem like the only way to show Roxy that we like her was to laugh at her jokes.
- But Joey, you told me not to tell any jokes.
- Roxy, I’m sorry.
- When I told you not to be funny and to be open and honest, I..
- Well, I thought it would take the pressure off you so that you could be funny.
- Joey, what’s the big deal about being funny?
- Well, you guys know when I was a kid I moved around a lot. And that was my way to get people to like me.
- Joey, if you never did your Bullwinkle or gargled your Kool-Aid
- or said another funny thing your whole life
- we would still love you.
- – That’s right, buddy. – ‘Yeah, Joey.’
- Well, thanks, guys.
- Well, I haven’t said a funny thing all night. You guys must be crazy about me.
- I’ll tell you what? Why don’t we start over again?
- Roxy, these are the guys. Guys, Roxy.
- – Roxy, nice to meet you. – Hey, Roxy. Joey’s told us absolutely nothing about you.
- Great.
- Have some fried food.
- No making out at the dinner table.
- Okay. Alright.
- また地雷 踏んじゃうわ
- 今日はウケを 狙わなくていい
- 素の君でいけば問題ないさ
- ホントに？
- 絶対だ
- 僕の“絶対”は 当てにならないけど
- はい 特製フライドチキン
- うまそうだ
- お客さんだ
- ロクシー チキンは好き？
- チキンは大好き
- さすが うまいこと言うね
- 無神経なジョークで傷つけて ごめんなさい
- 車のドアで 指挟むくらいの 痛みなのよね
- 車のドアか
- 今のは超ウケた
- 彼女は みんなの痛みが 分かると言ってるんだ
- 子供のころ この声を からかわれたわ
- あだ名は“キーキー”
- それ面白い 覚えとこ
- みんな変だぞ
- キーキーのジョークが 笑えるだけ
- ジョークじゃない まじめに話してるんだ
- ごめんなさい
- ウケ狙いかと思って 好意を見せたの
- 笑うことで？
- ジョーイの話を聞いてたら それが一番かと思って
- 私には “ウケを狙うな”って
- ごめんよ ロクシー
- ウケを狙うなと 言ったのは―
- 力を抜けば 君は面白いからだ
- 面白いって そんなに大事？
- 僕は昔 転校ばかりで 笑いで周りに溶け込んだ
- モノマネや ジュースで うがいなんかしなくても―
- モノマネや ジュースで うがいなんかしなくても― みんな ジョーイのことが大好きよ
- みんな ジョーイのことが大好きよ
- そうさ
- ありがと
- 笑い抜きなら 私もいい人でしょ
- 最初から やり直そう
- 僕の家族だ ロクシーね
- よろしく 君のことは 何も聞いてないよ
- よかった
- 食べて
- 食事中は イチャイチャ禁止
- 了解
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