- Boys, I’m opening up the Smash Club tonight. I’m trying to do some last minute accounting.
- I need some time alone.
- Here. Come over here. Here, here you go.
- Here’s your dough. Play with it. Hence the name, play dough. There you go.
- Still working, Uncle Jesse?
- Yes.
- You need a cookie break.
- Michelle, I’m too old for a cookie break.
- Besides, I polished off the last bit of Oreos around midnight.
- Why didn’t you wake me?
- I’m sorry, kid. You see, I’m so busy, I..
- You know, I never realized how expensive it is to own your own club. Check out.. Check out this grand total. Look at this.
- You see that? Look at that. One dollar and ninety eight cents.
- Wow! I can open a club with my tooth fairy money.
- Oh, yeah. Something is going awry here.
- What about it, gentlemen? Hmm?
- How did this play dough get inside my calculator?
- Don’t know.
- ♪ Whatever happened to predictability? ♪
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
- I have been tasting coffee all day and I think, I’ve come up with the perfect brew
- for the Smash Club opening, okay?
- Oh, here’s the bill for the coffee beans.
- I think all this coffee-tasting has got you a little wired.
- Now, listen. I got everything riding on the club tonight. Okay? So I need you to be calm, cool, and collected.
- Everything’s gotta click like clockwork. Got it?
- Clickin’ like clockwork. Clickety-clack. Clickety-clack.
- Calm, cool, collected. Clickety-clack. Down the track.
- – Feeling better now? – Yeah.
- ‘Good. Your head is starting to go. Let me see.’
- (Danny) ‘Sorry.’
- What did I tell you guys about dancing without me?
- Hey, guys, I got great news.
- You will not believe the band I booked for tonight.
- What are you talking about? We booked the Brass Weasels three weeks ago.
- Forget about the Brass Weasels. I got R.E.M. They’re under the same management.
- – You got R.E.M? – Yeah.
- R.E.M.’s gonna play at the Smash Club?
- Well, yeah, they played there years ago and they thought it’d be a kick to come back and play again.
- Joey, my man. R.E.M.
- Thank you.
- Gee, your hair smells like melon. What are you using?
- Oh, it’s this new stuff, it’s called, uh Gee, Your Hair Smells Like Melon.
- Keep them closed. No peeking. Okay, keep ‘em closed.
- Close them. Here we go, and..
- Ta-da!
- Uncle Jesse, I love it. It is so cool.
- Yeah, it is, isn’t it? Hey, check this out.
- You wanna see cool? Check this out for cool.
- It’s kind of a 90s look back at the 70s thing. You know, kind of..
- The only problem is it’s so hard to fix your hair. You gotta keep moving.
- Here we go.
- [feedback] Ho ho ho. Girls, girls, girls, please. It’s very expensive equipment. Do not touch the microphone.
- We’re not.
- – This isn’t working. – Danny.
- Danny, Da.. What are you doing?
- I’m playing the slot machine. This coffee machine is not working.
- It’s not a coffee machine. It’s imported from Italy. Its name is Signore Cappuccino. Here.
- It was working fine yesterday. Read the instructions.
- No problem. Doesn’t even matter. I-I brought coffee from home.
- If anybody’s thirsty, I’ve got some right here. Anybody want coffee? Anyone, anyone?
- Hey, check it out. New waitresses are here.
- I hope these pockets are big enough to hold all our tips.
- Kimmy, what the heck did you do to your uniform?
- I’m just trying to wear something to express my personality.
- Yeah, well, it makes me wanna express my lunch.
- Now, take that clown outfit off, and you girls get to work.
- Ouch! Hard to feel good about life after that.
- Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie. What did I tell you about the sound equipment?
- Michelle, this is not a toy.
- Don’t blame me. I’m just playing with the drums.
- Jess, honey, honey, come here.
- You know, what sometimes, when I’m under a lot of pressure I sit in my car with the windows rolled up and I let out one good scream.
- Well, that’s good to know. From now on, I’ll do the driving.
- Jo, Joseph, Joseph, my.. The man that brought me R.E.M.
- You know, I’m starting to think you’re the only guy I can count on around here.
- Well, hold that thought. Uh, there’s been a little mix-up.
- What kind of mix-up? Oh, hi, girls.
- Oh, listen, the, uh, the bingo hall is down the street.
- Uh, Jess, actually, I’d like you to meet, uh Renee, Esther, and Martha.
- Get it, R-E-M?
- (all) Well, what’s up, darling?
- Hi, girls. So nice to meet you.
- Excuse me one second, while I speak to my friend, Joseph.
- Joseph.
- Jess, I’m really sorry, I mean, what are the chances of two groups having the same name?
- What are the chances of my whole night being ruined?
- – I’d say pretty good. – Get that.
- Uh, ladies, can I show you to your dressing room?
- Danny, Danny, Danny. What are you doing to my Signore Cappuccino?
- – I said read the instructions. – They’re in Italian.
- Uncle Jesse–
- – No. – No what?
- – I didn’t ask you anything. – The answer’s just no.
- You know what, everybody, you know, just stay out of my hair.
- Okay? I’m trying to open this club. Everybody’s getting in my way. Things are getting messed up. Please, just let me do everything myself, alright?
- – Fine. – Fine. – Okay. – Alright. Fine.
- The microphone, the drums, and the co..
- Look at this. See, this is exactly what I’m talking about.
- Empty napkin holder, I ordered special napkins and are they in here? No.
- Napkins! Napkins! Napkins! Napkins!
- Flypaper. Flypaper.
- Ah, here they are. Napkins.
- “The Smush Club.”
- I specifically ordered the Smash..
- Well, maybe Becky’s right. Maybe I just need to let out a good..
- – What are you doing? – Don’t kill me.
- I’ll get back to work.
- What we have here is shoddy craftsmanship.
- Give me that.
- Oh, no, we’re stuck. Oh, this can’t be happening. Not tonight.
- Well, look on the bright side. At least you’re not alone.
- Help!
- Help!
- Don’t you know anything besides “Wipeout?”
- Oh, I’m sorry, Beck. Too much coffee. I’m sorry.
- Hey, guys, we can’t find Uncle Jesse anywhere.
- Yeah, we tracked him as far as the kitchen then we lost the scent of his styling gel.
- Alright, well, don’t worry. He’ll be here. I mean, remember, this is the man who went skydiving on our wedding day.
- He just handles pressure his own way. His own boneheaded way.
- Hey, hey, there’s a whole lot of people lining up outside.
- It must be a fire drill.
- No, Michelle, th-those are our customers. We-we should have started ten minutes ago. I gotta figure out a way to make cappuccino.
- Alright. It’s just you and me.
- Man versus machine. You keep in mind.
- I once kicked the crumbs out of an eight-slice toaster.
- Whoa! Hey! Whoa! Okay.
- Hey, I was kidding, alright? I would never hurt an appliance.
- – ‘Oh!’ – Alright, D.J. You and Kimmy finish setting all the..
- – Where’s Kimmy? – I don’t know.
- I haven’t seen her in a while.
- Maybe she’s touching up her makeup. Any paint rollers missing?
- – Hey, – ‘Oh, Joey, look.’ We’re gonna have to open with or without Jesse. – Is R.E.M. ready? – Oh, yeah.
- They’re preparing just like any other rock group. They’re making a quilt.
- Hey, guys. Guys, come on, what’s the holdup? I brought a bunch of buddies from college.
- Well, I guess we better let them in. I just hope no one wants any coffee or entertainment.
- Hey, everybody, come on. Guys, come on in.
- Let’s all get down front for R.E.M., okay?
- (all chanting) R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
- Runnin’ out of knives.
- Isn’t this a crazy twist of fate? You and I stuck here like this?
- Aw, Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy.
- Look, Kim, I-I know over the years, you’ve, uh..
- …probably had a little, uh, crush on me.
- Get real, I meant, we’re stuck here with all these chips, and no dip.
- I know that. I know that. See? That’s what I’m saying. No dip.
- The way everybody’s screwing up around here I’m probably out of business already.
- [banging] Help!
- What’s-what’s a “Smush Club?”
- That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Even the printer screwed up. I specifically wrote clear as day on the order form.
- – Smash Club. – Is this your handwriting?
- Of course, it’s my handwriting.
- Yep, you’re right, clear as day. Smush Club.
- Who gets the blame for that one, Mr. Perfect? The pen?
- Well, as a matter of fact, yes, I was using one of Joey’s, uh
- Yogi, the bear pens. It was so cute.
- It was, uh, the thing with Ranger Smith. You turn it upside-down, and his pants fall down.
- Okay, so I made one small mistake.
- Ooh, so even the boss makes mistakes.
- I guess the napkin’s on the other foot now, eh, mousse man?
- So I go to the doctor and I say, “Hey, doc, I have a headache.” And he says, “Well, take off your clothes.”
- So I say, “Will that stop my headache?” And he says, “No, I just hate what you’re wearing.”
- How come your friends aren’t, uh, laughing?
- Uh, well, I guess it’s because they’re all exchange students from Greenland and none of them speak English.
- Oh, that might have something to do with it.
- I guess. Yeah, but-but don’t worry, okay? Because they’ll go crazy when R.E.M. comes on.
- (all chanting) R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
- Your cafe latte is on the way.
- Um, your espresso, it’s on the way.
- Whatever it was you ordered, it’s on the way.
- Miss, remember me, the cappuccino and the sticky bun?
- I’m sorry, sir, but it’s not quite ready yet.
- Neither is this club and I intend to make that quite clear in my review.
- Review? Are you a critic?
- Elliott Warner, perhaps you’re familiar with my column, Eating Out With Elliott.
- Yeah. I read it this morning.
- You said some pretty horrible things about that place on Market Street.
- Yes, well, mother lost her touch.
- – How is everything going here? – I’d like to see the owner.
- [chuckles] So would I.
- This club is a disgrace.
- Look, sir, it’s opening night, and we’re having a few problems.
- – A few? – Listen, buster.
- The owner is missing. We’re a waitress short. All the instructions are in Italian.
- And not one person has said they like my dress.
- So if you’re not happy here you can just take your ponytail, and–
- – Aunt Becky. – What?
- [laughing] Mr. Warner.
- I hope you enjoyed that little scene from “Agnes, Hostess From Hell.”
- It’s part of a little theater group we have going here at the Smash Club.
- So please feel free to stick around for our second show.
- Look at these instructions. I should have studied engineering.
- Dad, we’re dying out there. Where’s the cappuccino?
- Somewhere inside this devil machine.
- Guys, we’re in trouble, I just heard somebody say this is the worst service they’ve ever had.
- Was it that guy over there?
- No, it was this girl over here.
- I’m sorry but 15 minutes for milk is ridiculous.
- – Oh, that’s it. I give up. – What do you mean, Joey?
- – You can’t quit. – Well, you’re right.
- I mean, quitting’s what you do when you’re getting paid.
- I’m just stopping.
- You know, Becky, maybe we should just close up right now and have the grand opening on a night that the owner’s actually here.
- Oh, well, now, wait a minute, you guys. Jesse has always been there for us so we have to be there for him.
- Come on, we’re a team. It’s like my volleyball coach used to say. “Stop whining, Donaldson, and get your can out there.”
- Hey, wait a minute. It’s working.
- Okay, see? This is a sign.
- Uh, Steph, Michelle, you help D.J. waitress. Everyone else, you know what to do.
- Bump, set, spike!
- Well, that’s what my coach used to say.
- Oh, come, sei bella. Molto bene.
- – How did you get it to work? – Maybe..
- Maybe he made it an offer..
- …that it couldn’t refuse.
- Michael.
- Help.
- Help.
- I’m gonna slip this rescue note under the door.
- “Help. Trapped in here with..”
- Is egotistical, hair-crazed maniac a hyphenated word?
- Gibbler, give me a break. I’m trying to be a good boss.
- Well, a good boss doesn’t go around screaming and insulting people.
- Now, who did I insult?
- Oh, you mean that crack about that clown outfit? That didn’t offend you, did it?
- Why do you think I was sitting here all alone in a dark storeroom?
- To slack off and steal food?
- No, well, I mean, that occurred to me once I got here but..
- …you really hurt my feelings.
- – Really? – Yeah.
- I’m sorry, Kimmy.
- I really worked hard on this uniform. I just wanted to look nice for tonight.
- I know. Big opening.
- Well, that and I was hoping to meet a rich guy get married, and get out of my biology test next week.
- You’re right, Kimmy. I was, I was a jerk.
- I mean, you know, I opened this club so everyone could have a good time, and I end up making everyone miserable
- including myself.
- Well, hey, it’s okay, big guy. Just.. Go ahead and cry. Just let it all out.
- I’m not crying. A drip hit me.
- – I did not. – Not you.
- That was a drip from this, uh, this air conditioning vent. Look out.
- Hey. This may be our way out.
- Where are you going?
- Wherever this takes me.
- Gibbler, I’m stuck.
- I never thought I’d say this but, uh, grab the tush and push.
- You got it, boss.
- – There you go. – Thank you.
- Here you go, our special cappuccino, piping hot.
- With extra whipped cream.
- And a nice, fresh sticky bun.
- With extra sticky.
- Excellent. Subtle, yet sophisticated.
- – Is there a problem? – Mister, you have–
- Uh, enjoy your nose.. Coffee.
- Thank you.
- Wo-ho!
- Well, now that you’re all in a good mood a, uh, understanding mood heck, a non-violent mood
- I think it’s time to bring out the band
- and, uh, let’s, uh, let’s bring them right out
- and I swear their name is, uh, R.E.M. Here we go.
- (all chanting) R.E.M.! R.E.M.! R.E.M.!
- ♪ My bonnie lies over the ocean ♪
- ♪ My bonnie lies over the sea ♪
- One, and two, and..
- I don’t believe this. They love them. This is amazing. This is a home run. This is a number one with the..
- This is by far.. I’m very excited.
- I guess we’re a success. I wish I knew where Jesse was though. I’m really starting to get worried.
- Aunt Becky, I don’t think you have to worry anymore.
- (Rebecca) ‘Jess.’ What are you doing up there?
- Getting nauseous.
- Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. The owner of the Smash Club, Jesse Katsopolis.
- Hi, nice to see you all.
- Hi, welcome to Smash Club, everybody. Thank you. Hi. Thanks so much for coming.
- – ‘Oh, honey.’ – My dear.
- – Thank you. – Fabulous, fabulous.
- Thanks. You have something white on your nose there.
- It’s a little.. Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Oh, what a great night, huh?
- Great is the operative word there. Great with a capital G.
- You know what, guys, I-I’m gonna, I’m gonna put another pot of coffee, okay? Any-anybody want a cup before I wash the windows?
- Danny, I think you’ve had enough coffee.
- You know what, Becky, you’re absolutely right. Uh, maybe I’ll make some tea. Hot chocolate. Anybody wants some of that? Cola, diet cola? I’ll find something.
- Guys, I don’t know what to say. This was.. This was the greatest night of my life.
- I mean, everything was perfect.. …once the room stopped spinning.
- Listen, uh.. [sighs] I’m sorry I was such a jerk.
- I promise, no more bossing people around.
- No more insulting people like I, I did with you, Kim.
- Aw, you big, sentimental lug.
- – Ah, what the heck? – No, Uncle Jesse.
- We’ve lost him to the dark side.
- Is anyone as tired as I am?
- (all) ‘Yes.’
- Well, Michelle is.
- Wait, wait, wait. Where’s everybody going? Look, look, I got games. I got games.
- ‘I got Trivial Pursuit, uh, Scattergories.’
- I got Twister, I got Twister.
- That’s a great idea, you guys go upstairs and get in your pajamas and I’ll get everything set up.
- That’s perfect. Okay, who’s gonna go first?
- Me.
- Okay. Here we go.
- Spin the wheel. Uh-oh. Right foot red.
- I got it.
- Whoa. Left foot green.
- Okay. Uh, guys?
- Uh, right hand blue.
- Boy, I put myself in a rough position there, didn’t I?
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