- Mom. That’s very good.
- Hey, guys. Check it out! I can make Comet do all these tricks without even talking to him.
- She’s got to be kiddin’.
- Give her a chance, guys. I’d like to see this.
- I only use hand signals. Watch and be amazed.
- Ready, Comet?
- Watch me now.
- Good boy.
- That’s very good, Michelle. Kind of like your own doggy remote-control.
- We can do that.
- It’s not as easy as it looks.
- Watch and be amazed.
- Whoa, guys! Slow down!
- Looks like he blew a fuse.
- – Oh, hi, Nelson. – Hey, Steph.
- – Come in. – Thanks. This a surprise.
- Yeah. I thought DJ dumped you.
- Well, she did.
- Then I thought she dumped you again.
- Well, once again, she did.
- You know, I’ve heard of on-again, off-again relationships but you guys should be attached to the clapper.
- No, no, don’t worry. I’ve learned my lesson. From now on, we are just friends, buddies, pals
- nothing that’s any fun for me.
- Nelson, I just got off the phone with you. How’d you get here so fast?
- Well, I called you from my limo, in your driveway.
- Well, what’s this big, exciting news you wanna talk to me about?
- My cousin Regina is flying in from England
- and she’s here coordinating the reception for the Queen’s visit to San Francisco
- and well, I just thought I’d invite you to go with me.
- As friends.
- Wow! The Queen? That’s incredible.
- Joey, DJ’s going to meet the Queen of England.
- Maybe she’ll let you try on her crown.
- Yeah, ask her if it’s one of those one-size-fits-all crowns with the plastic adjustable strap in the back.
- Actually, Joey, why don’t you ask her yourself.
- ‘Cause you know my cousin Regina is coming in from England
- and she doesn’t know anyone here in San Francisco
- and she did ask me to find her a date.
- Yeah, well, what does she look like?
- – Does it matter? – Not really.
- Well, hey, Nellie boy. Back for another dumping?
- It’s good to see you, too, Kimmy.
- Okay, I want you all to meet my steady, Duane.
- He pinned me, but I came back and I took him the next two falls.
- So, you’re Duane. It-It’s nice to finally meet you.
- Huh. Whatever.
- Duane just finished trade school
- and is going into the plumbing business with his dad. He’s the toilet doctor.
- So, then that would make you the toilet intern.
- Whatever.
- Hey, everybody. Guess what I found in the mailbox.
- Half a cheese wheel and an empty can of Fresca?
- Well, under Kimmy’s trash was a letter from a little place
- that I like to call Stanford University.
- Stanford? Oh, my gosh! This is my first choice. I’ve wanted to go there forever.
- – You open it. I’m too nervous. – Okay.
- Oh, Stanford. This would be so perfect. It’s a great school, it’s close to home.
- But it’s, it’s not nearly as close as Berkeley who had the good sense to accept you.
- I didn’t get in?
- Sorry, Deej.
- Oh, Deej, I’m sorry. Is there anyone I can call, write, buy?
- I can’t believe it. Stanford is the only school I ever wanted to go to.
- I’m sorry you didn’t make it, Deej. You should have done what I did, when I applied there.
- Include a crisp $20 bill with the application.
- Come on, Duane. I feel lucky. Let’s go check the mail.
- Whatever.
- Hey, Deej, you okay? Is there anything I can do for you?
- Yeah, you can scratch the Stanford bumper sticker off the car.
- Oh, I already did. And the one on the lawn mower.
- You guys aren’t going to believe this. Stanford turned me down, too.
- I for one, am shocked.
- So, did they send your $20 back?
- Actually, they sent me 40 with a note saying “Let’s pretend this never happened.”
- I’m sorry, Kimmy. I know how you feel.
- No, you don’t. At least you got into Berkeley.
- I’m going nowhere. I’m a total reject.
- My life is officially over.
- I’m too tall to be a jockey and too short for the NBA.
- You were absent on career day, weren’t you?
- Oh, hey, Deej. I, uh, I heard about Stanford. – I’m sorry. – Thanks.
- Hey, how about a little sympathy for me? I got turned down by California.
- The university of California?
- No. Every college in California.
- Gee, Kimmy, that’s too bad and after all that hard work in high school.
- You know, I had my heart set on Stanford.
- Now, I don’t know where to go to school or what to do with my life.
- That’s okay, Deej. You know, take a negative and, and turn it into a positive.
- You know, you, you have a whole
- you have a whole plethora of things you can do a whole cornucopia of opportunities.
- You know, you have to, you have to carpe diem if you will, seize the day.
- You know, I say, pick a road and ease on down it, you know?
- I mean, if you want to go to Berkeley, go to Berkeley. If you want to go to another college you can go to another college.
- If you wanna, you wanna jump a steamer and travel around the world, I say “Hey, babe, go for it.”
- Or you can marry Nelson and have him pay for all that stuff.
- Yeah, well, the way I feel right now that doesn’t sound half-bad.
- I wish I had somebody like Nelson to fall back on.
- Ah, but you have Mr. Personality.
- Yeah, that’s all I have. A man with a plunger and wet socks.
- Pretty soon, I won’t even have my best friend.
- What are you talking about?
- Come on, Deej, you know you’re gonna go to college somewhere.
- You’ll meet some new, smart friends and forget all about me. Let’s face it.
- Life together, as we know it, is over.
- That’s gotta brighten your day a little.
- Comet, stop staring at me. I’m not going to drop the sandwich.
- Comet, stop begging. You’re worse than Joey.
- Alright.
- Oops.
- Come in.
- Hey, Deej. I just brought a book over for Joey on what to do when you meet the queen.
- Oh, really? What’s it called?
- “What To Do When You Meet The Queen.”
- Is Joey here?
- No. The whole family went to the mall. I just wanted to stay home and think about school.
- Are you still feeling bad?
- Well, I’m-I’m feeling better. My Uncle Jesse was right. I do have options.
- And Berkeley’s a great school and, uh, there’s others I haven’t heard from yet.
- So, I’m moving out of depressed
- and I’m well on my way to slightly bummed.
- Well, I have something that’ll take you past slightly bummed through okey-dokey all the way to perky.
- Remember you were worried about what to wear when you meet the queen?
- ‘Nelson.’
- Diamond earrings for me? You shouldn’t have.
- Well, I didn’t. Those are just a loan.
- You dumped me, remember?
- Well, at least for one night I’ll have earlobes of the rich and famous.
- – Hello. – ‘Deej.’
- I’m about to become a blushing bride or as Duane says, “A flushing bride.”
- Kimmy, there, there, must be a bad connection. I could have sworn you said “Bride.”
- You heard right, bachelorette number one. I asked Duaney-poo to marry me and he said yes.
- Well, actually, he said, “Whatever”
- but here we are at the “Create Your Own Wedding” chapel in Reno. Cool, huh?
- Kimmy, what are you doing?
- – You don’t love Duane. – I know.
- – Wish me luck. – ‘Kimmy, wait.’
- Um, w-we promised that i-if we ever got married we’d be each other’s bridesmaid, remember?
- Well, yeah. That’s true, but you’re there and I’m here.
- ‘Well, I’ll be there, okay?’ ‘Just don’t do anything until I get there.’
- Oh, hey, that works out Great. If I don’t use their bridesmaid, I’ll save 12 bucks.
- Kimmy’s getting married.
- To what?
- She’s making a terrible mistake. I-I have to find out when the first plane leaves to Reno.
- 15 minutes.
- What, you memorized the schedule?
- No, we’ll take my plane. It leaves when I tell her to.
- Great, uh, but I just have to write my family a note.
- “Kimmy’s getting married.
- Went to Reno with Nelson. Love, DJ”
- Perfect.
- Oh, gosh, I-I smudged it all up ‘cause of that grease from the sandwich.
- No, no, that’s fine. This is an emergency. Neatness doesn’t count. I got hot towels in the limo. – Let’s go. – Great.
- We’ve got to stop that wedding.
- What are you, honey, you’re doing it the wrong way.
- Okay, guys, how do I look?
- And be brutal.
- Now, I know why they call it a monkey suit.
- Don’t listen to him, Joey. You look very dashing.
- Oh, I wish I felt dashing. I’m so nervous about making a mistake when I meet the Queen.
- Joey, don’t worry about a thing. When you meet the Queen, all you have to do is just stand there.
- You’re not from England, so, you don’t have to bow oh, and don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.
- You’ve been meeting queens and not telling me?
- No, I read this book. I found it on the table. Nelson must have brought it over.
- “To Nelson. Love, the Queen. PS, thanks for the loan.”
- – It doesn’t say that. – Right there.
- Joey, could you get a picture of the Queen for me? It’s for my collection.
- When did you start collecting pictures of the Queen?
- As soon as you push this button.
- Well, I’ll give it a shot.
- Wish me luck. I’m off to meet the Queen.
- Pip pip, cheerios, Cap’n Crunch.
- Trix are for kids. I’m cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
- Why do I feel like the Queen needs the luck?
- Michelle, I think you’d better feed Comet.
- He was licking the TV during an Alpo commercial.
- He probably got that from Joey. He does the same thing during “Baywatch.”
- Come on, Comet. I’ll get you dinner. We can watch it make its own gravy.
- Oh, hey. A present for me.
- Oh, it’s empty. Here, Aunt Becky. It’s for you.
- Dad, I found this in Comet’s dish.
- I think someone sent him a letter.
- It’s all smudged and chewed up.
- Um, “Getting married.
- “Reno.. “…Nelson..
- …love, DJ”
- – It can’t be. – Yeah, I know.
- Why would Janet Reno marry Willie Nelson?
- Well, that’s one explanation. But it sounds to me like DJ went to Reno to marry Nelson.
- That-That makes even less sense than what I just said.
- Yeah, yeah, that-that doesn’t make any sense at all.
- I-I wouldn’t worry if I were you.
- You don’t think she took us seriously, do you?
- What, what seriously? What?
- – Oh, nothing. – What?
- – Nothing. – What! I just told her that she had a-a a plethora of opportunities out there.
- She’s the one who told her to marry Nelson.
- Well, who knew that after 13 years of not listening to me she’d start now?
- Oh, come on, I knew DJ was upset about the Stanford rejection but running off and getting married?
- Well, that explains this empty jewelry box. It was for an engagement ring.
- Ooh, I wonder how many carats.
- I mean, this is terrible.
- Guys, this is some kind of joke, right?
- Oh, come on. She’s probably right outside that door right now. And she’s just gonna pop her head in and yell “Gotcha.”
- Honey, I know you’re out there.
- Okay, Come on in. Joke’s over, little Miss Hijinks.
- Should we take your car to the airport or mine?
- Let’s take yours, they say you shouldn’t drive during a nervous breakdown.
- Hmm, Shepherd’s pie Yorkshire pudding.
- My guess is you people don’t like dogs.
- Well, I wonder where Cousin Nelson is. I’d like to thank him for bringing us together.
- Well, he probably got wind of the bow-wow buffet and stopped off and got a burrito.
- Well, shall we?
- Oh, look. There’s one of those Buckingham palace guards. I heard you can do anything to these guys and they never move.
- You know, Joey, let’s not do anything to embarrass ourselves or our dates.
- Oh, this’ll be fun. Here. Watch.
- Sufferin’ succotash.
- You, sir, are inscrutable.
- Boy, you guys are amazing. Nothing gets to these guys.
- – ‘Her Majesty. The Queen.’ – Joey, her Majesty’s coming.
- Oh.
- Nice to meet you. Oops, I’m sorry.
- I wasn’t supposed to talk, was I? I’m just so nervous.
- Did you kick me in the butt? No.
- Couldn’t have been. You’d have someone else do it.
- A nobleman, like, uh, Lord Kick-Me-In-The-Butt.
- Oops, I’m sorry.
- You know, if you put a little velcro around your wrist that won’t happen anymore.
- Nice to meet you.
- Oh, my gosh. I forgot Michelle’s picture.
- Uh, your majesty, wait.
- Alright, nobody move! Nobody move! Uh, okay. Just, just freeze, everyone! I just want to get one shot, alright?
- I can get double prints of that if you guys like.
- And as you promise to cling on to each other for the rest of your life
- I now pronounce you captain and vulcan.
- Kimmy, all I’m saying is, think about what you’re doing.
- I am thinking about it. And I think the “Star Trek” wedding looks nice.
- Live long..
- …and pay the cashier on your way out.
- How about “Friday The 13th?” I bet not many people do that one.
- Sounds like a safe bet.
- What do you think, Duane?
- Whatever.
- Kimmy.. If you don’t get on that plane with me and come home you’re going to regret it.
- Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but the day after that you’re going to be miserable.
- I’m going through with this, Deej. I’m tired of being a loser. Maybe if I marry Duane, I’ll be a winner.
- So, either go home or stay here and be my victim of honor.
- Alright. Let’s get ready for the most romantic day of your life.
- “Friday the 13th.” Excellent choice.
- Kimmy, you look so beautiful.
- I’m going to cry.
- Shall we begin?
- Dearly departed we are gathered here–
- Hey, hey! Kill the chainsaw. The fumes are going to make me hurl.
- I paid 29.95 for this wedding.
- – And I want it to be special. – Sorry.
- Dearly departed, we are gathered here to bring together these–
- There they are. Okay, stop this wedding!
- Or call 911.
- Thank God we found you. I can’t believe you’re doing this. Why would you want to get married?
- I’m not getting married. Kimmy is.
- – Kimmy? – Kimmy?
- Oh, well, then, by all means, continue.
- I think this is the bride’s side here.
- Didn’t you guys read my note?
- Yeah, we did, but after Comet slobbered all over it. It kind of lost something in the translation.
- Hey, I’m trying to get married here.
- Guys, Kimmy’s throwing her life away. Can’t you talk to her? She won’t listen to me.
- You want us to talk to kimmy? We spent the last eight years trying to avoid her.
- I don’t know what I’d say to her.
- Well, what were you going to say to me?
- Well, I-I did write down some notes on the airplane on this airsick bag.
- Great.
- Hey, Kimmy before you do this, just listen to my dad and Uncle Jesse.
- Okay, but make it quick. I’m getting a splitting headache.
- Alright, I-I’ll tell you what I was going to tell DJ.
- Just have a seat, we’ll put in a few li’l modifications to..
- Okay. This thing’s not on, is it?
- Alright. Okay.
- “You’re making a terrible mistake, DJ.”
- He means Kimmy.
- Um, “You know how much we love you.”
- We basically tolerate you as best we can.
- “Uh, There’s a whole world of opportunities still open to you.”
- Yeah, there’s still a few chances you haven’t blown yet.
- Guys, forget it. Let’s face it. I’ve got nothing going for me but plunger boy.
- Love you, sweetheart.
- Whatever.
- This isn’t working.
- Uh, Kimmy, what we’re trying to say here is that we-we-we
- we…we care about you.
- Really? You do?
- I can’t believe what I’m hearing.
- I can’t believe what I’m saying.
- Listen, the point is that we don’t want you to do something that you’re going to regret, okay?
- Now, look inside your heart. Now, if you, if you really, really deep down inside, love this-this-this Duane guy
- then I say, what the heck? I say start up the chainsaw and get married.
- Okay, but don’t do it because you’re trying to run away from problems or you’re looking for the safe way out
- or you just want to make sure you, you have a plumber at 3:00 in the morning.
- Wait a minute. I’m starting to get the idea that you guys don’t think I should get married.
- Kimmy, let’s do this without the hatchet.
- You know this wedding is a bad idea.
- Yeah, I know. You guys are right.
- I guess I do have other options. I just can’t think of any right now.
- Kimmy, you can go to summer school and get your grades up and go to a community college.
- Yeah, but Deej it still won’t be the same without you.
- I’m really going to miss you.
- Who am I going to hang out with talk to about boys?
- Copy my homework from?
- Kimmy, no matter where we are we’re always going to be friends. Nothing’s ever going to change that.
- You’re right. Thanks, Deej.
- And you guys will always be a part of my life, too.
- Oh, goody.
- Now, I can die happy.
- But how am I going to break it to Duane? He’ll be heartbroken.
- Oh, wait, let, let me take care of this one.
- Oh, uh, oh, Duane. Duane.
- Listen, Duane, uh.. I don’t know how to..
- I don’t know how to break this to you
- but, uh, the wedding’s off, kid.
- Whatever.
- He’s taking it a lot harder than I thought.
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